I decided to turn to
the Isis & Making Magick Oracles for this message. Asking what most of you
need to know at this time. The First thing I noticed was the connection between
“Ra” and the “Sun”. With the Isis Oracle I pulled, “Initiation-
Spiritual Testing of Ra and the Lady Isis”. With Making Magick, I pulled
the “Sun”. Ra is known as the God of the Sun. With these two we have
an immediate connection. The Sun card foretells that with the golden energy the
sun can bring fame and fortune. Most won’t become famous, but what will come to
you is GREAT achievement.. Either through a reward, an accolade or a contract.
With an initiation, it is a transitory phase leading to a new beginning. We do
have the New Moon in Virgo coming up on August 31st. It is not shown in the
picture I took, but lifting the card the astrological sign of Virgo is
underneath. I didn’t do that knowingly either. I wasn’t actually paying
attention to that as I plan on conducting New Moon/ September Reading’s This
week. 😀 That’s always how it goes for me. One connection leading to another. I
There is this
Goddess Lady Isis (You… whether Male or Female) staring in the direction of the
Sun (The achievement), Ra’s energy surrounds you, leading you, directing you,
willing the best results to come forth. You will feel as through your strength
grows beyond all boundries. What is coming if meant for you, designed just for
you… and no one else. This destiny of yours you’ve been working very hard
towards, even if subconsciously. Physical plans, physical actions need to be
made and taken. Fantasizing is over. Physical progress is required.
This card states,
” When you are being spiritually initiated
into the mysteries of light, love and power, there are moments of deep
challenge. They key is to find the light within the challenge – the learning,
growth or wisdom that can be summoned to turn the challenge into an opportunity
for healing. Whilst the scorching heat of Ra seeks to burn through any
resistance, the Lady Isis with compassion and cleverness will protect you
from burning and instead enable you to be nourished and grow from the Light of
Ra. Let lsis help you pass the test of intense growth as you thrive with new
life. For advanced aspirants on the path, initiation will occur at various
stages. Sometimes your entire life will feel like an initiation, at other times
specific areas will be flowing easily whilst others are deeply challenging.
This Oracle comes as confirmation that you are not needlessly suffering If you
can find the light within the struggles, tests or challenges that face you now,
you will experience a breakthrough healing.
It is the almost unbearable solar fire of Ra that can
cleanse the Soul of wounds and the love, compassion and intelligence of
Isis that can temper the heat of Ra and stop it from burning and drying you
out, or else you would be left with nothing but emptiness, anger, bitterness
and despair in your heart! These are not meant to be the outcomes of life’s
challenges! Rather than losing love and hope through the challenges of life,
the Initiate understands all aspects of life are growth opportunities in
various states of disguise, waiting to Be discovered.
As an Initiate, this Oracle urges you to honor life
as a gift and treat any challenge or pressure as a way for you to grow into a
brighter and purer light capable of great spiritual service on this planet.
That spiritual .service includes growing an ability to be able to love freely
and beyond limits, to love with courage and faith.
In fact initiation for you now, dear one, is an
opening to new levels of power and peace, self-possession and love. There are
such sweet fruits waiting for you at the top of the tree you are currently
climbing. It may seem as though you are in barren land at times with little
hope, nourishment or encouragement, yet your spiritual oasis is not far away!
The Lady Isis and the Power of Ra together are helping you grow. Stay focused
on the Lady and Her love for you and you shall pass through the desert of Initiation
unharmed and deeply transformed.“
Some phrases came to
me– Don’t stare at the sun too long, you’ll hurt your eyes. Also, When it
comes to the Sun… it does bring Warmth, Light, and Happiness (especially to
those that deal with emotional and mental challenges by Dark and Gloomy days),
But just as the Sun can gift you with Joy, you can also be burned by the same
sun. You have to be careful not to take even the smallest things for granted,
to be very appreciative of what you have and what you can currently work with
in order to move forward and through any obstacle.
Also, what clicked
with me while reading the card’s meaning was, “Be Discovered”. Some
of you will be discovered for your skills and talents come this Fall (Northern
Hemisphere). You are beginning this new phase or project soon and it will become
the jumping point to your ultimate future.
Whoever has been continually taking from you- your emotions draining, your mental state waning, your time, your energy, your finances, they’ve been taking, taking, taking for so long… you’ll put an end to it.
For some of you, this person is one who likes to be in control. Wants to make all of the decisions. Wants others to live by their own rules or their own way. They may make a fuss when you try to do things your own way. I’m getting from this 10 of swords card that you have absolutely had enough! Some of you may get out of this in a cheeky kind of way. A way in which you’re not completely hiding that you are going to do as you want but you won’t fully show what you’re doing.
For some of you, there is a complete ending to a family tie, or you will walk away from a group of people that you have been involved with. This could be a group of friends, a networking group, a group that you belong to on social media, you may have even ran this group and now you don’t want to run it anymore (You’ll pass over the reigns to someone else).
I’m seeing some of you going to an individual for advice on how to get out of a sticky situation, and they are telling you that you need to be very careful about the steps that you take. Planning everything in a strategic way. Maybe so you possibly won’t have any consequences. I’m also seeing running away for some of you, possibly hiding your identity.
With the Hierophant we have change happening this week, also with the 10 we have an ending, and with the seven we have personal challenges. You will become like the queen of wands, personal growth when it comes to courage, and with what you do may inspire many to do the same. On the other hand, those that don’t have the courage to change may disagree with what you do.
There is a Change in the dynamics of a family, relationship or group. What once looked good on the surface will be revealed for what it truly is secrets-come to light what has been held back will be stated in a matter of fact kind of way.
Situate a new state of being.
The message that I posted last week is on going at this time as well. Energy does not change so quickly, but may merge into another.
This week signals a time of opportunity to set the course for things yet to be. This is the development and growth stage. You will require mental clarity in order to think things over and consider options before you make decisions. Take care when guarding your thoughts. Do not speak to too many people about what you’re deciding upon during this stage until you know for a fact what you plan to follow through with. Most of you will be making a decision when it comes to a wish of yours. This can be a dream or a goal that you strive to have and make yours.
encounter (Or your decision involves) an individual that is an Earth Sign
(Capricorn, Taurus, Virgo). I’m seeing a message coming to you from this
person…. Communication is happening with this individual. Steps you plan to
take. This could be of financial matter
for some of you. I’m seeing a personality of someone who may seem dramatic, or
appear to be under pressure. I get the feeling that this individual could be
acting in such a way that causes you to feel under pressure yourself. This
individual may come from a place of self interest, they want what they want and
they expect you to go along with their own desires. This will cause you to feel
burdened as though you must take more on than previously expected or thought
of. This is why your decision making process must be privately and wisely made.
Do not decide right away based upon the stress that is placed on you. You will
figure out how to get yourself out of this Jam you will find yourself in.
shows up who is astrologically a Water sign (Cancer, Pisces, Scorpio). Keep in
mind that the person may have this in their chart but not as their Sun sign, or
they are showing these characteristics within their personality or actions….
This individual is stuck within their emotions. How they FEEL about what is
going on and not what they THINK about it. It is their emotions that rule their
actions. With this individual being a Queen, they have learned how to not react
in a rash manner. They are giving, compassionate, loving and nurturing. The
symbol here involves a ring… you could encounter a conversation about a ring in
general, or this is about a commitment, initially a romantic partnership but
could turn into a business partnership and a contract for some. Contracts that
need to be made and signed. Making something official. Could be financial
contracts for some. With this being Water, you may encounter deep emotions with
There is an energy
coming together that involves a deeper understanding of the situation and the
person you will encounter, sign a contract with, commit to. Trying to achieve
harmony within an agreement. A balance. What is fair for each involved. Make sure to read thoroughly through this
contract prior to signing… you don’t want to miss anything or forget to include
or debate what already has been added. This will become final once it is signed
so be careful. Also, take note that we entered into Mercury Retrograde
yesterday, this runs until August 1st, So you may not want to sign anything
until after then. Use the next several weeks to analyze, and comb over anything
that is presented to you, changing what you must, and even seeking guidance
from someone who knows the answers and can advise you. Remember to not allow
anyone to rush you!!
For this week, I felt guided to conduct a “Pick a Card”. I know so many of you have been missing this from me. 🌹 You may ask “What do I need to know at this time?” Whatever number Highlights in your mind for you is the one. This week globally is a 9 Week, which relates to the Hermit. Going in Deep to seek the answers to our questions. Possible isolation during this period of time. What is happening is on it’s “last legs”… about to End. A Beginning is among us!
I used to teach what I pulled back in 2015, then I would dive into the prediction. So here we go! I hope this helps some of you who are new at the Tarot and Divination in general.
Results are Below! Enjoy!
Tarot Card- 6 pentacles: 6 carries the energy of Balance and Harmony. Of harmonizing the masculine and the feminine. This is the minor arcana to the Justice card in the Tarot. This card being the Number 6 is also in relation to the Lovers. Level 6 Soulmates are the Twin flame level (This was told to me in a dream in 2014 by one of my main guides), which makes sense since this is regarded to be “the perfect” number by the Pythagoreans. Pentacles are mostly Physical… in relation to Money and Effort. Pentacles are of the Earth Element (Capricorn, Taurus & Virgo). To me, it’s not always about the Astrological attribute, but more so about the personality or energy of the Sign and/or Element. This card is about Sharing and Giving of ones help, Generosity, Support, time, effort and possibly finances. Of Charity. When someone has taken more than given there can be an imbalance in a relationship or within spending too much and not saving enough. This comes after the 5- which denotes a period of struggle and lack. The struggle is dispersing now as we enter the 6. We are given what we need the most at this time. You will now be given the Support you need at this time in order to carry through.
Rune- Dagaz: This
rune carries the energy of Happiness and Emergence. This is about emerging from
a period of loss and returning to a peaceful state. This is the Beginning, the
Morning, The Dawn, The Awakening. The process of a concept becoming realized.
Balance between the negative and Positive. The Balance of opposites (Twin
flames). Balance sought and given when it comes to opposition. Progress,
Development and Growth.
Oracles- Black Moon Lillith (Mystery): Lillith is about Mystery and Transformation. Know, that when she shows up in the transits that things are about to get shaky. She seems to bring in misunderstandings, miscommunication, rumors, trolls, and the darkside in general. She is a bit of a trickster. Going based upon what I have already seen, this is the energy you are coming from and attempting to get out of. “She is a Feminine force of power and strength. She represents the power held within a secret. She can represent an angry mother figure, an enemy or bitter/scorned woman and even a stalker.” This seems like the energy I was picking up in my messages last week. This has the energy of waiting for something to happen, you feel it deep within your soul but you can’t pinpoint it. Something Stalks and you feel it.
Moon (Soul): What
does your gut say? This card is also about Mystery and things being hidden that
you feel. What you’ve been feeling deep within is about to be revealed and come
to light. You will know what has been said behind your back (If this is the case
for you). You will be given what is required in order to feel stable again.
What you’re waiting on is coming in between the New Moon on July 2nd and the
Full Moon on July 16th.
Tarot Card- 5 of
Cups. 5’s are challenges to me. Here, you have a challenge when it comes to
your emotional state. The 5 of Cups is the card of regret, embarrassment,
disappointment, guilt and shame. Sometimes, it’s only one or two of the
emotions that consume you. This can also carry you into a depression if not
worked on in order to move forward. This is a state where you wish you could
change what transpired and instead of focusing on a way forward you’re lost in
the moment to wallow on what went wrong. In the background there is a bridge to
new territory indicative of the fact that not all is lost and that better times
are coming, but yet you can’t see that bridge as you hold your head down. There
is a foggy energy within this card. Lost within memories. Your eyes could be
filled with tears so that you can’t see clearly. Cups are the Water Element
(Cancer, Pisces, Scorpio).
Rune- Fehu :
Normally this rune indicates luck and success, especially when it comes to
wealth and possessions. Here, you may be disappointed over a loss of material
things, a loss of a friendship/relationship or loss over a social/personal
status. There is an energy of a Broken Spirit. Some of you are experiencing
questions regarding divorce and inheritance, which also equates to an ending
and a beginning. This may be due to a job loss… but you will surely find
another that is best suited for you.
Eclipse (Change): This issue has been brewing for a while and it’s about to
come to an end. We have a Partial Lunar Eclipse coming up on July 16th, this
indicates to me that this is where the change happens in your life. So. if
you’ve been stuck in the 5 of cups state, your luck will change around July
16-17, 2019. You will begin to move away from this saddened state into a much
better one. Beginning to feel at peace with the situation and starting over
again. Looking forward to the future. You will begin to realize at this time
the price that had to be paid for change and happiness to be brought into your
Third House (Messages): Communication about what has transpired and how/where you will go from this point on. The Third house governs your environment – how you interact with it, how you relate to others, your ideas, and your opinions. The planet associated with the third house is Mercury– the Planet of communication. You will converse with others about what has been going on with you and within your environment. Communication will speed up beginning on July 7th, as Mercury goes retrograde… so expect a lot of verbal and written communication beginning on the 7th and being resolved around the 16th of July.
Tarot Card- The
Emperor – Major Arcana, the Number 4, astrological attribute is Aries, The
Father, The Grandfather, The Paternal Side, The Masculine. Major Arcana cards
are Lessons to learn and cannot be avoided, unlike the Minor Arcana. With the
Minor Arcana, we can be forewarned and attempt to divert possible issues. The
Emperor is an excellent card to have if it is personally speaking about YOU
being the one who is taking control in a Massive way in your life. This is
about being the one in charge, laying down the rules for others to abide by,
situating problematic issues, being given respect and admiration. He is THE
King of all the King courts. He Embodies the personality of the King of Cups-
He has compassion and love for his people, the King of Wands- He Inspires and
Motivates those around him, The King of Swords- He Communicates in a matter of
fact way that no one questions his opinions and is very wise and The King of
Pentacles- He Surrounds himself and others in Abundance and has the Finances to
Rune- Ansuz: This
rune speaks about Inspiration, Achievement and Taking the Lead. It relates to
Odin who is the “All-Father”… This goes along with the Emperor being
the King of all the kings, embodying each aspect. This runes Is favorable for clear
communication on every level by stating calmly and firmly what you need and
desire. I will state here that while I was writing up the Emperor I saw his
left hand clenched, as though something is bothering him, his knuckles almost
becoming quite raw because of tension and of holding back. You may have been or
are experiencing this and have been honing it in to not cause a disruptive wave
of emotion. To not cause yourself to explode on someone. You can honestly get
more people to listen to you when you speak in a calm and respective way. Try
not to gain attention or respect by way of intimidation or anger. Watch your
words and consider their effect before speaking critically. Some of you have
unresolved issues from the past in regards to a Male figure in your life, and
it could be because they were this way.
Element (Stability)- The Number 4 is about Stability, Structure, Solidity…
laying the Foundation for the Future. Some of you may be dealing with issues
surrounding a male figure when it comes to Homes and Finances. This individual
could be an Earth Sign (Capricorn, Taurus, Virgo)… They could be an Aries as
well, as that is what The Emperor is, but I feel as though the Aries is your
own personality with this specific issue.
Now is the time to draw upon your Strength! Think of yourself as an old
willow tree where you have been standing firm for decades and nothing can knock
you out of your spot. Some of you that chose this are a Water sign ( Cancer,
Pisces, Scorpio) or you have Water in your Chart… because I saw this in your
recent reading for the New moon into July. Video is posted if you haven’t seen
it. You want your dreams or what you desire to manifest into reality at this
time. This is a good time for it as the current planets are aligned just right
for you (Water Signs) to be able to manifest your desires (just not the lottery
lol). You have had to be methodical about this or will have to be– Stay
determined and self assured on this path. You may have to prove yourself in
order to get what you what– but most of you will quite easily.
Aries (I Am)- I love
seeing the Validation!! This PROVES that you are completely in charge of your
destiny and what you are aspiring to at this time. YOU HAVE IT!! It’s YOURS or
will be yours. Keep up your confidence to help surround yourself with total positivity
in this matter.
I hope you all
enjoyed playing!! Have an Excellent Week!
Hello! My name is RJ
and I am a recovering Alcoholic.
I never in my life thought that I would be the one saying that phrase. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent. I didn’t know he was an “alcoholic”, I just thought he loved to drink. I was only 9 years old when he went away to rehab. It was a chaotic swirl of confusion, sadness and anger. I had no idea what was happening. All I knew was that I felt abandoned. I still had my Mother, as well as my 5 older siblings. But it was like a chunk of my heart was taken away in an instant. You need to understand that back in the 80’s the internet did not exist, nor did I have people discussing addiction around me. I think it was Taboo. He was gone for about two years and I was pretty much left to my own devices. My mother would tell my siblings to watch me, but they were teenagers and didn’t care much to babysit. At times, I would be up the block at my friends house, who’s father was like my second Dad. Other times, I would be walking the neighborhood in search of things to do with my time. I later came to find out that my “Second Dad” was actually my Adoptive Father in a previous lifetime. A tale for another day!
I never enjoyed the taste of alcohol, yet, if there was a wedding I would end up drunk. I ended up drunk at my sister N’s wedding when I was 16. Then ended up drunk at my sister D’s wedding when I was 18. My parent’s kept telling me that I had the red flags as a child. They would find me passed out with a bottle of perfume or cologne next to me (a story my mother has told me a few times) as a young child/ toddler. I never understood why I would go “Sniffing around” for alcohol. I came to realize that the bottles I would find resembled my father’s whiskey bottles and I was merely mimicking what I saw. I will be honest and state that I don’t remember much of my childhood. I wish I could. The reason why I wish I could is so that it would help me to heal certain parts of myself.
As a young adult, my best friend would try to get me to drink sometimes. I remember one time we made plans and she asked me, “You are going to drink though, right???” She wasn’t peer pressuring me, she just didn’t want to waste money and “party” alone. Most of the time, I’d end up taking 3 sips and quit. I just couldn’t stand the taste!! But, if we were out and about, especially at Ybor City, I was getting drunk! It was definitely party time then! See image below… Me partying at Coyote ugly in Ybor City,,, dancing on the bar, getting the crowd excited. The drunk me was pretty fun. Though the Fun didn’t last for long. Each time I would stop and go back, my drinking progressed.
I was a mother of three at this point. I became a Mother at 20 years old. This was a rare night out for me. And because I didn’t get out much, the LION came out to play every single time!
I was about 29 years old when I truly began my “drinking career”. I say that it was a career since I’d spend as much time drinking as one would working (eventually). I would stop for a while, but when I would go back to drinking I would consume more than I would have previously. That is what is called progression of the disease. Each time I would go back, it would just get worse.
2012 was the worse year yet for my drinking. During 2012, I felt that I had a problem and I analyzed it from every angle, even as I poured myself more. I ended up feeling like a crazy philosopher, especially during the midnight hour. Constantly in drunken analysis. I thought that there wasn’t much of an issue because I had been able to stop drinking while I was pregnant with my 4th child in 2010. I stayed away from alcohol up until he was about a year and a half old. Then, I once again, slowly progressed into full time drinking. I also analyzed the fact that even when I did drink he never got hurt, he was always fed, he was always in a clean diaper, he was well taken care of. I analyzed the fact that I didn’t act like my father had. Most of the issues surrounded myself. I didn’t hurt my kids, I didn’t hurt their father. I didn’t see that I was hurting myself. And even if I was, I felt that that was better than hurting someone else. It still didn’t seem good enough! I even went as far as to ask my father if he thought I had a problem, to which he replied, “I don’t know. Do you?”
In the fall of 2012, I sought out a psychiatrist to help me with my accumulating anxieties. Not realizing then that it was because of my hard core drinking that I had come to experience all of these issues. One of the red flags should have been the fact that I would not drink before my appointments, nor did I divulge to him that I drank often. I was keeping that as my dirty little secret. He prescribed me Xanax and Nothing of substance was discussed during my visits. I stayed away from drinking for the first month knowing that combining Xanax with alcohol was a Huge NO NO. One visit before Thanksgiving, as we were saying goodbye in his office he asked me what I was doing for the holiday, then said to “have a drink, have some fun with your family”. I must have shown my confusion on my face. He then said it was OK to have one drink. Little did he know I was an alcoholic and one drink??? Not happening! No matter how hard I wished I could do that. The whole point of drinking was to escape reality for me. I wish I could drink one or two just to feel relaxed, but that’s not how my brain chemistry works. That’s not how addiction works. In my mind, because this is part of the disease, that since a psychiatrist told me it was ok, even knowing he didn’t know of my addiction, then it must be ok. I was given the green light to indulge. My Wise mind knew differently, but the devil inside said “LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!”
Cue in the Black
outs…. I don’t remember much from that Thanksgiving. Though I have pictures to
look back on. It was after combining Xanax with Alcohol that I began
experiencing continuous blackouts. Which should have been an obvious given the
fact that we’re always told not to drink on certain medications. I’m the type
of person who wants the details… the reasons why before I decide my own fate.
You can’t tell me not to do something just because I shouldn’t. You can’t even
tell me not to do something because it could kill me. I’m reckless. I need to
understand the details, the deeper meanings, I need to figure it out myself.
Growing up I was scared of drugs. Terrified!! I would become livid if my friends even smoked marijuana. I was like a parent to my friends. I would take whatever they had and flush it down the toilet instantly. They eventually would try to hide the fact that they did them from me. I was oblivious when it came to drugs and what would happen to someone on them. All I knew, was that the energy of them were negative to me. I have never to this day tried LSD, Cocaine, Heroin, Meth, Crack… but I have tried Marijuana and it was pretty damn relaxing. Marijuana is the only “drug” that doesn’t scare me. The thing is… the deeper reason why I was scared. I would most likely be dead right now. I know and understand that today; but my Soul self understood that since birth. The irony of it all is that I learned in rehab that alcohol was a hard core drug and Xanax was a pill form of alcohol. Two mind fucks, right there. I actually felt stupid for not knowing this already. I despise feeling that way more than anything else, since I’m ridiculously over critical of myself. Intelligence means more to me than any other aspect a human could possibly have. That is what intrigues and amuses me. I spent half of my life deep within the universe in intense study about Souls, Spirits, Lessons, Magic, the misunderstood, the unbelievable.. etc.. I’m now learning all of the things that most people pay attention to their whole lives. The external aspects of the human body and such. I’m hoping to reach pure mastery by the time I’m in my 60’s.
One night in early
2013, I vaguely remember texting my parents, ” I need help.” My
memory goes in and out. When one is in a blackout their brain does not record
what is happening or said. There are many bits and pieces missing that I will
never get back. The next morning a woman from a rehab called me. I did NOT want
to take the call. I almost hung up on her. That’s the fear taking hold that
happens to every person in addiction. You’re afraid to stop, but you also know
that if you continue you will surely die. I agreed and made the arrangements to
go into rehab. I knew that I did not want to continue this cycle in my life no
matter how scared I was. What I knew was that every morning I was confronted
with what I had written to a person I cared about tremendously or had posted on
social media. Both were either extremely embarrassing or hurtful. It was so bad
that I would grab the bottle and begin drinking again to forget about what I
had done. The next morning… same thing. The morning after that… same thing.
This cycle continued for months and months.
Eventually, I would have tears rolling down my face as I poured myself
more. I wanted this insanity to STOP!!! Only I could stop it. I just didn’t
know how. When you’re deep in addiction you feel as though someone else is
There is a reoccurring debate about whether or not addiction is a choice or a disease. Initially, it begins as a choice for everyone on this planet. You do not know what you will become addicted to. Not every single person has the same brain chemistry or genetic makeup. We are humans, not robots. Basically, every single person has an addiction of some type. Some binge watch Netflix instead of cleaning or watching their children. Some become addicted to exercising. Others become addicted to Food. The ones who get ridiculed the most are the ones that become addicted to a substance. Where as the other addictions do not change the way in which an individual speaks, thinks, reacts, or live their daily lives, substance abuse is more prominent and can easily be seen by all. Like I stated prior, I hated the taste of alcohol. I never in my life expected for THAT of all things to take control of me. It eventually did and became something I turned to for every reason under the sun.
The day before I entered into rehab I decided that I would not drink. Even though the woman on the phone had told me not to stop drinking until I got there. I didn’t understand her. She was the first person ever to tell me NOT to stop. Later realizing that if one goes “cold turkey” they could end up having seizures or die. I felt So low and kind of numb. I felt it was very important that the last day before I went away my kids not see me drunk. It wasn’t easy, I’ll tell you that much. It was already extremely emotional and confusing enough and I wasn’t going to take that away by drinking. It’s definitely not something I could have done daily. I already felt bad that I was at this point and that my children had to witness and experience their own mother going away to rehab, like I had at 9 years old with my own father. How the hell did it get to this point?!? This was never supposed to happen. This was never supposed to be my life.
I kissed the kids Goodbye before they went to school. One of my daughters, who was only 12 at the time didn’t want me to leave. She begged and pleaded. I told her I had to go and that she would understand later on. The car pulled up to take me. I took a deep breath and tried to hold back my tears. I had so much going through my head. I thought about changing my mind, then quickly told myself that wasn’t an option. On my ride there, the man would speak with me periodically to try and make me feel more comfortable. He asked me halfway through the ride if I wanted to stop off somewhere at a store. I confusingly answered, “No… why?”. He replied that sometimes patients want to get their last drink in upon arrival. I thought that was so strange!!! Why was that even an option when you’re going away to get help? Apparently, many people do this on their way to rehab. I just wanted to be done with the drinking. That is what they refer to as being “Sick and tired.” Looking back, I was most likely shaking tremendously and didn’t even notice. But he sure did! He was probably worried I would go into some type of failure before even getting there.
I pulled up. He took out my bags. As I walked through the front doors I felt my whole existence relax. I actually felt myself let go and allow the universe to take over. I gave up the fight. This was it. This needed to be done. It felt as though an evil entity flew out of my body leaving me to myself; As though walking through those doors repelled whatever it was. I’m extremely sensitive and Empathic. I have all of the gifts, so I can feel things that most others cannot. I can see things and hear things that many cannot. Trying to explain my experiences hasn’t been easy, since most of the ones that surround me don’t understand. I’m not religious and I wasn’t possessed. Just putting that out there. I would know if that was the case. Whatever this was that loved to hang around me realized that I was serious and that I wouldn’t allow anything to control me any longer.
My 3rd night was the most life changing experience to date. I was obviously going through PAWS (Post-Acute withdrawal symptoms). Though no one in there told me that was what was happening to me. They would check me daily in the morning around 6:30 am. Making me stick out my tongue and hold out my hands. They were scoring my trembles that I couldn’t even see I was having. I saw her mark me a 10. And I looked at her, “Seriously?!? Why can’t I see that?” Being very observant I am in awe when I don’t notice something myself. But no one in addiction sees or thinks clearly. Early in the day I couldn’t help but to notice this one patient. I normally paid attention to no one as importance rested upon what I would learn and not on others there. He was twitching and his tongue wouldn’t stop sticking out. I instantly recalled my own father doing this as he napped. I had forgotten all about that. Throughout that day where ever I would go, there was this man. A constant but gentle reminder to trigger old memories. It was his triggering that began my own spiritual awakening to go back in time to my childhood that night. My thumbs began to twitch uncontrollably, and my eyes welled with tears because it truly validated that I did indeed have a problem.
I started to experience hallucinations. I had never hallucinated before. I was laying in my bed watching images being drawn on the wall before me. It was a kids drawing. First they created a stick figure girl, then a boy, a sun, a house, a tree… at this point one of my roommates walked in and glanced at me, as I was watching a dog forming along with the images. She asked me what I was doing just staring at the wall. I then asked her if she could see the images. She couldn’t. I then looked at her and closed my eyes asking her if bright sunlight was streaming through the windows, since my eyelids were a gleaming color of gold. This specific roommate didn’t require detox as she had nothing in her system upon arrival. She just laughed and told me no. It happened every time I’d close my eyes. I couldn’t stop the images either.
I am an individual that cannot sleep in silence. I need the sound of a fan running. A fan was not an option there. I wasn’t allowed to bring one, nor did they have one. I had asked about it to a counselor and she told me that many ask for them but all she had were meditation tapes. Reluctantly, I took a recorder and headphone set from her. That night I placed the headphones over my ears. I kept attempting to fall asleep but I could not. I kept seeing images over and over again that would make me snap open my eyes because I didn’t want to see them. By the third loop of the meditation I heard a woman’s voice as though she was standing right next to me say, “I’m so proud of you, RJ.” I snapped open my eyes to see who it was and threw off my headphones. Looking around quickly all I saw was darkness and my 3 roommates sleeping. I closed my eyes again.
The image that appeared next was a white lotus flower, floating ever so slowly down a stream. It calmed me, it made me feel relaxed. I welcomed and “followed” it. I then felt as though I was pulled to my past, my childhood, back inside of that house. I turned around quickly and was greeted with a brick wall. I was stuck! I couldn’t go back! I can’t recall full details of what I witnessed, because apparently it was so traumatizing that after a couple days I blocked it all over again. What I do remember is that I went inside of each of my siblings, my mother and my father. I felt their feelings, I heard their thoughts. Every 10 to 20 minutes I was either silently begging God to let me out, to PLEASE not let me experience anymore, or I had to hold in my gasps, my cries, and my shouts so that I didn’t wake up my roommates. It felt like pure torture. I felt like I was strapped to a chair and forced to watch everything going on. I could see myself as a little girl. I was a bystander that no one else saw in the house. Knowing one of my first gifts ever was to interact with spirits and energies, I do wonder that if time travel does exist if I actually saw my future self as a little girl. But I digress… One of the main images that will forever stick in my mind is my father’s face when he would look at me. He always looked at me in a certain way. He always tried to protect me for his own reasons. I know the bigger picture as to why I was protected now. I used to joke about if I was abused I’d probably be a serial killer. (I have morbid humor and make jokes about my painful experiences.) Well, that was validated when I began learning Birth charting. I have a violent placement. When one has a violent placement and they are abused…. I don’t even have to finish that sentence. Our birth placements are a snapshot of what we are born to experience, but just like when reading Tarot cards for the future, we can choose different paths or circumstance’s can change for us. Close call, I say!!! 😉 This state of being stuck lasted for 7 hours. I eventually had to give up once again and just allow whatever to come.
The next morning I
felt elated!! I was tired as hell, having not slept for 48 hours at that point.
I was running around telling anyone I could about what I experienced the night
prior. I then began feeling as though someone was taking blood from my arms.
You know what it feels like when you have an IV inserted when you have your
blood taken. The way the skin gets tugged at. This went on for several hours. I
told the nurses about this. Then I started seeing snakes with their tongues in
my veins. The Normies would freak out about this, but me understanding
symbolism since I was a child knew that Snakes meant Transformation and that
the tongues were taking the poison from my veins. I was still in detox after
all. I always say that If I could redo that night once a year that would always
“keep it green” for me! It would help everyone honestly! I know that
certain doctors are now testing hallucinogens for quitting smoking and such.
Based upon my experience I fully believe it would work! I’m not certain when it
will become widely available yet. Smokers, Keep your eyes peeled.
My first year sober I stopped reading Tarot. I needed to conserve my energy as much as I could. I went to a few meetings here and there. I liked going to meet the people and hear their stories. But, it used to bother me that every time I would go I would want to drink. I didn’t understand that. Plus, the only option I knew of and was given was to attend these meetings. I know that they have helped SO many people. My own father was heavily involved for 15 years. It was scary making the decision not to go anymore. But it felt like I was being mind fucked. I couldn’t explain that to anyone. Even if I tried to they would just tell me that I HAD to go! Yes, I’m speaking about A.A.. I already am a very spiritual person and what I practice seems almost like A.A.. Only, I practice from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. It is my life. My entire existence. I remember at one meeting I really liked this woman who was telling her story and so I went to speak to her afterwards about possibly becoming my sponsor. She had way too many rules in order for me to be sponsored. Gave me a list of what I needed to do. I have always lived within energy, energy shifts, changes… feeling when I should and shouldn’t do things. There was a huge red flag. My sponsor was and has always been God. Buddha. Allah. Doorknob. It doesn’t matter. This miraculous and amazing energy is all the same thing. I call it, the Universe. Sometimes, I call it God, since most of the people I surround myself with refer to it as such. I became very productive in two things I hated with the passion… Cleaning and cooking. It’s very funny what chooses you to become productive in when you allow it instead of forcing it. It just may be the things you don’t like the most that save your LIFE. You could have shown up at my house at any given time and ate off the floors. I vacuumed about 6 times a day, dusted constantly, if a utensil was placed in the sink it would be cleaned immediately. I barely ever sat down.
One main thing is that you must remain physically productive as much as you were drinking or using. Well, mine was from the time I woke up until I went to bed. To tell you I was exhausted by 8pm is an understatement. I went right to sleep for the first time in my life. You also must redirect your focus. If I was watching a movie or a TV show that had partying or drinking in it and I felt my emotions change, I would instantly turn off the television and go clean. The Great Gatsby… Man, I loved that movie and I sure as hell wanted to join in! Click. Off you go!! I barely listened to music my first year sober. Music was my first DOC (Drug of choice). I knew it would trigger me BIG TIME. It wasn’t easy not listening to music, but my sobriety was of great importance. Any time I felt sad or negative I would purposely seek out humor. Comedians are a life saver. I notice a lot of them also make fun of their pain. Kevin Hart even titled his latest show “Laugh at my pain.” Robin Williams is another big name that chose being a comedian to deal with his own issues. I don’t understand people who live in negativity. Especially those that aren’t in recovery and choose to bitch and complain about a raindrop. Life isn’t that hard. Practice being grateful and mindful instead.
Around May of 2015 I began my Instagram. It was initially titled for my last child. I had forgotten about it and never utilized it to post pictures of him. Every day I would post a card and write about it to help my brain heal. Drinking excessively causes so much damage to your brain and organs. Luckily, My organs were still well functioning. At first, I was very frustrated because I had read intuitively for years and I couldn’t even remember the technical meanings of the cards. I did well, but couldn’t read like I used to. My guides saw me frustrated for 7 months.
I finally asked my cards where my gifts went. I had pulled this exact Page of Wands. I heard “They are right here. We are holding onto them for you.” Prior to getting sober I renounced my gifts wanting to be normal SO BADLY. All I had to do was ask for them back. Do you realize how annoyed I was that they saw me struggling for that long and all I had to do was ask for them back?? I guess in a drunken fury I had specifically stated that I had to ask for them back. Like I would remember that. The strange things that one does when they are drunk. I did even stranger things in a blackout. One month after coming out of rehab as I was going through my drawers I came across a sealed envelope that had “Will” written on it. I opened it to see a letter I had written in a blackout. Listing my prized possessions and who they would go to. I did not remember writing this. The crazy thing is that I obviously knew I was close to death. I was told that if I wouldn’t have gone to rehab when I did I would have died that year. By the time I entered into rehab I was a 110 lb woman consuming about 750L of Captain Morgan’s a day, plus a whole bottle of red wine. If I were to relapse I would automatically go to consume that much now, and since my body is no longer used to it…. Can we say death?
I have no desire to drink. My obsession left me after my 2nd year sober. Many go their whole lives obsessing over their addiction. I’m not special. I just worked my sobriety differently. I just knew what to do. I allowed God and my guides to help me. Plus, that 3rd night… it really did a number on my Soul. I remember by the end of that night is when I heard “the 12th step is when you die sober.” I had done all 12 steps energetically that night. I saw myself staring at my grave. And yet I was alive. I am still alive celebrating 6 years later today (4/23/2013 my sobriety date). And now I have written my story. There are so many things I could have implemented into my story of recovery, but I was not trying to turn this into a book.
Sobriety can be achieved. It’s in the way you work it. It’s in the way of importance that you place upon it. It’s within your own discipline. Within your own Deeper understanding of yourself and what brought you to this place. Remember how it made you feel at your worst ALWAYS and you will never want to go back! Addiction Sucks!! It becomes a disease that you unknowingly choose in the beginning. But NO ONE chooses this entrapment. So many need to educate themselves on addiction and stop being so ignorant. I see this constantly on social media. Every one has an addiction, Some are harder to hide than others. Don’t be so judgmental. You’re all being watched.
Believe in yourself.
DO what you need to do to get yourself out of that black hole. You know damn
well that you don’t want to be stuck there. It’s time to beat the shit out of
your addiction like it is a bully trying to keep you down in life. Because that’s
all it is. Something that doesn’t deserve your time. Don’t allow it to control
you… You control IT.
Blessed Be to You
Thank you for
Reading my Story.
Ps… The Woman who told me she was proud of me but could not be seen is one of my main guides. She was in a few dreams over the past couple of years, giving me information or just being there. She is in charge of my dreams, my past life journeying and was my Aunt in a previous lifetime.
What have you initiated and what is drawing to a close in your life? What kind of adjustments have you made in your life? Since the last full Moon in Libra on March 20th, many of us have been through some major shifts and changes. With a bit of heavy, foggy energy, then a speeding up of energy, then back to the grind. It’s been pretty tumultuous for us!!! Endings had to be made, beginnings had to be initiated, and now where do we stand on this next phase in our life? If you have not began to initiate and act accordingly the energy may become tough for you in the coming months.
There was a need to seek balance. Some of you had to make adjustments when it came to your lifestyle. Either between your own needs and the needs of others, Between work and a social/family life, within your career and what you wanted to focus on and present, within your health, as well as your relationships. I’m noticing that there may have been frustration when it comes to a workable combination, due to the fact that you may have been bouncing back and forth in between extremes. Not being able to make up your mind when it comes to sticking to one thing, or sticking to one decision. And, there has been some pretty heavy decisions to be made. This requires one to detach emotionally in order to weigh the pros and cons, Or else you will keep yourself in a cycle of confusion.
There is tension escalating, as we are right on the verge of Libra going into Scorpio. Libra Balances and Scorpio Transforms. The energy has been as though we are climbing up a roller coaster and once we move into Scorpio the energy takes off like a bat out of hell. We will then have to tend to keeping on course! Not allowing obstacles to prevent us from moving forward or within this energy- Veering off the track! We Definitely do not need some type of “Final Destination” scenario occurring, but what isn’t truly meant for us will surely announce that it’s the wrong path. Hopefully, at this point you have gotten most of your ducks in a row and have your plans in hand. There will be Shocks and Surprises to come and you will want to be prepared! Do not give up if and when you encounter issues, become stimulated by them. Use the energy to conquer and get things done! Moderation and being patient with others when required will help to keep things from blowing out of proportion.
There could be conflicts with close family members at this time that need to be resolved. You may notice that your loved ones become much more emotionally demanding than usual. They may feel as though they have been “wronged” somehow or you may feel this way as well. There is a deep desire to DO something about it. This can cause a radically unexpected change with them and within the circumstances. For many, I am seeing something to do with contracts or papers. You are either handing them over or receiving them. Some of you are inquiring in a dominant way about said papers or contracts. Not backing down. This will have a profound impact on your personal life. What has been hidden and waiting is being revealed.
Many of you will have this strong sense of self-control. You will begin to feel (if you haven’t yet) very ambitious about your desires. Being on the verge of transformative Scorpio you seek deep change in your circumstances. Mostly, within your relationships, connections, and finally achieving the peaceful balance to move into your next level of success. Definitely, allow yourself to immerse into your emotions, but keep steady on the surface. Get ready for the Transformative Energy to come!