My Alcoholism/Recovery Story.

Hello! My name is RJ and I am a recovering Alcoholic.

I never in my life thought that I would be the one saying that phrase. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent. I didn’t know he was an “alcoholic”, I just thought he loved to drink. I was only 9 years old when he went away to rehab. It was a chaotic swirl of confusion, sadness and anger. I had no idea what was happening. All I knew was that I felt abandoned. I still had my Mother, as well as my 5 older siblings. But it was like a chunk of my heart was taken away in an instant. You need to understand that back in the 80’s the internet did not exist, nor did I have people discussing addiction around me. I think it was Taboo. He was gone for about two years and I was pretty much left to my own devices. My mother would tell my siblings to watch me, but they were teenagers and didn’t care much to babysit. At times, I would be up the block at my friends house, who’s father was like my second Dad. Other times, I would be walking the neighborhood in search of things to do with my time. I later came to find out that my “Second Dad” was actually my Adoptive Father in a previous lifetime. A tale for another day!

I never enjoyed the taste of alcohol, yet, if there was a wedding I would end up drunk. I ended up drunk at my sister N’s wedding when I was 16. Then ended up drunk at my sister D’s wedding when I was 18. My parent’s kept telling me that I had the red flags as a child. They would find me passed out with a bottle of perfume or cologne next to me (a story my mother has told me a few times) as a young child/ toddler. I never understood why I would go “Sniffing around” for alcohol. I came to realize that the bottles I would find resembled my father’s whiskey bottles and I was merely mimicking what I saw. I will be honest and state that I don’t remember much of my childhood. I wish I could. The reason why I wish I could is so that it would help me to heal certain parts of myself. 

As a young adult, my best friend would try to get me to drink sometimes. I remember one time we made plans and she asked me, “You are going to drink though, right???” She wasn’t peer pressuring me, she just didn’t want to waste money and “party” alone. Most of the time, I’d end up taking 3 sips and quit. I just couldn’t stand the taste!! But, if we were out and about, especially at Ybor City, I was getting drunk! It was definitely party time then! See image below… Me partying at Coyote ugly in Ybor City,,, dancing on the bar, getting the crowd excited. The drunk me was pretty fun. Though the Fun didn’t last for long. Each time I would stop and go back, my drinking progressed.

RJ 26 in Ybor City, Fl

I was a mother of three at this point. I became a Mother at 20 years old. This was a rare night out for me. And because I didn’t get out much, the LION came out to play every single time!

I was about 29 years old when I truly began my “drinking career”.  I say that it was a career since I’d spend as much time drinking as one would working (eventually).  I would stop for a while, but when I would go back to drinking I would consume more than I would have previously.  That is what is called progression of the disease.  Each time I would go back, it would just get worse. 

2012 was the worse year yet for my drinking. During 2012, I felt that I had a problem and I analyzed it from every angle, even as I poured myself more. I ended up feeling like a crazy philosopher, especially during the midnight hour. Constantly in drunken analysis. I thought that there wasn’t much of an issue because I had been able to stop drinking while I was pregnant with my 4th child in 2010. I stayed away from alcohol up until he was about a year and a half old. Then, I once again, slowly progressed into full time drinking. I also analyzed the fact that even when I did drink he never got hurt, he was always fed, he was always in a clean diaper, he was well taken care of. I analyzed the fact that I didn’t act like my father had. Most of the issues surrounded myself. I didn’t hurt my kids, I didn’t hurt their father. I didn’t see that I was hurting myself. And even if I was, I felt that that was better than hurting someone else. It still didn’t seem good enough! I even went as far as to ask my father if he thought I had a problem, to which he replied, “I don’t know. Do you?”

In the fall of 2012, I sought out a psychiatrist to help me with my accumulating anxieties. Not realizing then that it was because of my hard core drinking that I had come to experience all of these issues. One of the red flags should have been the fact that I would not drink before my appointments, nor did I divulge to him that I drank often. I was keeping that as my dirty little secret. He prescribed me Xanax and Nothing of substance was discussed during my visits. I stayed away from drinking for the first month knowing that combining Xanax with alcohol was a Huge NO NO. One visit before Thanksgiving, as we were saying goodbye in his office he asked me what I was doing for the holiday, then said to “have a drink, have some fun with your family”. I must have shown my confusion on my face. He then said it was OK to have one drink. Little did he know I was an alcoholic and one drink??? Not happening! No matter how hard I wished I could do that. The whole point of drinking was to escape reality for me. I wish I could drink one or two just to feel relaxed, but that’s not how my brain chemistry works. That’s not how addiction works. In my mind, because this is part of the disease, that since a psychiatrist told me it was ok, even knowing he didn’t know of my addiction, then it must be ok. I was given the green light to indulge. My Wise mind knew differently, but the devil inside said “LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!”

Cue in the Black outs…. I don’t remember much from that Thanksgiving. Though I have pictures to look back on. It was after combining Xanax with Alcohol that I began experiencing continuous blackouts. Which should have been an obvious given the fact that we’re always told not to drink on certain medications. I’m the type of person who wants the details… the reasons why before I decide my own fate. You can’t tell me not to do something just because I shouldn’t. You can’t even tell me not to do something because it could kill me. I’m reckless. I need to understand the details, the deeper meanings, I need to figure it out myself.

Growing up I was scared of drugs. Terrified!! I would become livid if my friends even smoked marijuana. I was like a parent to my friends. I would take whatever they had and flush it down the toilet instantly. They eventually would try to hide the fact that they did them from me. I was oblivious when it came to drugs and what would happen to someone on them. All I knew, was that the energy of them were negative to me. I have never to this day tried LSD, Cocaine, Heroin, Meth, Crack… but I have tried Marijuana and it was pretty damn relaxing. Marijuana is the only “drug” that doesn’t scare me. The thing is… the deeper reason why I was scared. I would most likely be dead right now. I know and understand that today; but my Soul self understood that since birth. The irony of it all is that I learned in rehab that alcohol was a hard core drug and Xanax was a pill form of alcohol. Two mind fucks, right there. I actually felt stupid for not knowing this already. I despise feeling that way more than anything else, since I’m ridiculously over critical of myself. Intelligence means more to me than any other aspect a human could possibly have. That is what intrigues and amuses me. I spent half of my life deep within the universe in intense study about Souls, Spirits, Lessons, Magic, the misunderstood, the unbelievable.. etc.. I’m now learning all of the things that most people pay attention to their whole lives. The external aspects of the human body and such. I’m hoping to reach pure mastery by the time I’m in my 60’s.

One night in early 2013, I vaguely remember texting my parents, ” I need help.” My memory goes in and out. When one is in a blackout their brain does not record what is happening or said. There are many bits and pieces missing that I will never get back. The next morning a woman from a rehab called me. I did NOT want to take the call. I almost hung up on her. That’s the fear taking hold that happens to every person in addiction. You’re afraid to stop, but you also know that if you continue you will surely die. I agreed and made the arrangements to go into rehab. I knew that I did not want to continue this cycle in my life no matter how scared I was. What I knew was that every morning I was confronted with what I had written to a person I cared about tremendously or had posted on social media. Both were either extremely embarrassing or hurtful. It was so bad that I would grab the bottle and begin drinking again to forget about what I had done. The next morning… same thing. The morning after that… same thing. This cycle continued for months and months.  Eventually, I would have tears rolling down my face as I poured myself more. I wanted this insanity to STOP!!! Only I could stop it. I just didn’t know how. When you’re deep in addiction you feel as though someone else is controlling you.

There is a reoccurring debate about whether or not addiction is a choice or a disease. Initially, it begins as a choice for everyone on this planet. You do not know what you will become addicted to. Not every single person has the same brain chemistry or genetic makeup. We are humans, not robots. Basically, every single person has an addiction of some type. Some binge watch Netflix instead of cleaning or watching their children. Some become addicted to exercising. Others become addicted to Food. The ones who get ridiculed the most are the ones that become addicted to a substance. Where as the other addictions do not change the way in which an individual speaks, thinks, reacts, or live their daily lives, substance abuse is more prominent and can easily be seen by all. Like I stated prior, I hated the taste of alcohol. I never in my life expected for THAT of all things to take control of me. It eventually did and became something I turned to for every reason under the sun.

The day before I entered into rehab I decided that I would not drink. Even though the woman on the phone had told me not to stop drinking until I got there. I didn’t understand her. She was the first person ever to tell me NOT to stop. Later realizing that if one goes “cold turkey” they could end up having seizures or die. I felt So low and kind of numb. I felt it was very important that the last day before I went away my kids not see me drunk. It wasn’t easy, I’ll tell you that much. It was already extremely emotional and confusing enough and I wasn’t going to take that away by drinking. It’s definitely not something I could have done daily. I already felt bad that I was at this point and that my children had to witness and experience their own mother going away to rehab, like I had at 9 years old with my own father. How the hell did it get to this point?!? This was never supposed to happen. This was never supposed to be my life.

I kissed the kids Goodbye before they went to school. One of my daughters, who was only 12 at the time didn’t want me to leave. She begged and pleaded. I told her I had to go and that she would understand later on. The car pulled up to take me. I took a deep breath and tried to hold back my tears. I had so much going through my head. I thought about changing my mind, then quickly told myself that wasn’t an option. On my ride there, the man would speak with me periodically to try and make me feel more comfortable. He asked me halfway through the ride if I wanted to stop off somewhere at a store. I confusingly answered, “No… why?”. He replied that sometimes patients want to get their last drink in upon arrival. I thought that was so strange!!! Why was that even an option when you’re going away to get help? Apparently, many people do this on their way to rehab. I just wanted to be done with the drinking. That is what they refer to as being “Sick and tired.” Looking back, I was most likely shaking tremendously and didn’t even notice. But he sure did! He was probably worried I would go into some type of failure before even getting there.

I pulled up. He took out my bags. As I walked through the front doors I felt my whole existence relax. I actually felt myself let go and allow the universe to take over. I gave up the fight. This was it. This needed to be done. It felt as though an evil entity flew out of my body leaving me to myself; As though walking through those doors repelled whatever it was. I’m extremely sensitive and Empathic. I have all of the gifts, so I can feel things that most others cannot. I can see things and hear things that many cannot. Trying to explain my experiences hasn’t been easy, since most of the ones that surround me don’t understand. I’m not religious and I wasn’t possessed. Just putting that out there. I would know if that was the case. Whatever this was that loved to hang around me realized that I was serious and that I wouldn’t allow anything to control me any longer.

My 3rd night was the most life changing experience to date. I was obviously going through PAWS (Post-Acute withdrawal symptoms). Though no one in there told me that was what was happening to me. They would check me daily in the morning around 6:30 am. Making me stick out my tongue and hold out my hands. They were scoring my trembles that I couldn’t even see I was having. I saw her mark me a 10. And I looked at her, “Seriously?!? Why can’t I see that?” Being very observant I am in awe when I don’t notice something myself. But no one in addiction sees or thinks clearly. Early in the day I couldn’t help but to notice this one patient. I normally paid attention to no one as importance rested upon what I would learn and not on others there. He was twitching and his tongue wouldn’t stop sticking out. I instantly recalled my own father doing this as he napped. I had forgotten all about that. Throughout that day where ever I would go, there was this man. A constant but gentle reminder to trigger old memories. It was his triggering that began my own spiritual awakening to go back in time to my childhood that night. My thumbs began to twitch uncontrollably, and my eyes welled with tears because it truly validated that I did indeed have a problem.

I started to experience hallucinations. I had never hallucinated before. I was laying in my bed watching images being drawn on the wall before me. It was a kids drawing. First they created a stick figure girl, then a boy, a sun, a house, a tree… at this point one of my roommates walked in and glanced at me, as I was watching a dog forming along with the images. She asked me what I was doing just staring at the wall. I then asked her if she could see the images. She couldn’t. I then looked at her and closed my eyes asking her if bright sunlight was streaming through the windows, since my eyelids were a gleaming color of gold. This specific roommate didn’t require detox as she had nothing in her system upon arrival. She just laughed and told me no. It happened every time I’d close my eyes. I couldn’t stop the images either.

I am an individual that cannot sleep in silence. I need the sound of a fan running. A fan was not an option there. I wasn’t allowed to bring one, nor did they have one. I had asked about it to a counselor and she told me that many ask for them but all she had were meditation tapes. Reluctantly, I took a recorder and headphone set from her. That night I placed the headphones over my ears. I kept attempting to fall asleep but I could not. I kept seeing images over and over again that would make me snap open my eyes because I didn’t want to see them. By the third loop of the meditation I heard a woman’s voice as though she was standing right next to me say, “I’m so proud of you, RJ.” I snapped open my eyes to see who it was and threw off my headphones. Looking around quickly all I saw was darkness and my 3 roommates sleeping. I closed my eyes again.

The image that appeared next was a white lotus flower, floating ever so slowly down a stream. It calmed me, it made me feel relaxed. I welcomed and “followed” it. I then felt as though I was pulled to my past, my childhood, back inside of that house. I turned around quickly and was greeted with a brick wall. I was stuck! I couldn’t go back! I can’t recall full details of what I witnessed, because apparently it was so traumatizing that after a couple days I blocked it all over again. What I do remember is that I went inside of each of my siblings, my mother and my father. I felt their feelings, I heard their thoughts. Every 10 to 20 minutes I was either silently begging God to let me out, to PLEASE not let me experience anymore, or I had to hold in my gasps, my cries, and my shouts so that I didn’t wake up my roommates. It felt like pure torture. I felt like I was strapped to a chair and forced to watch everything going on. I could see myself as a little girl. I was a bystander that no one else saw in the house. Knowing one of my first gifts ever was to interact with spirits and energies, I do wonder that if time travel does exist if I actually saw my future self as a little girl. But I digress… One of the main images that will forever stick in my mind is my father’s face when he would look at me. He always looked at me in a certain way. He always tried to protect me for his own reasons. I know the bigger picture as to why I was protected now. I used to joke about if I was abused I’d probably be a serial killer. (I have morbid humor and make jokes about my painful experiences.) Well, that was validated when I began learning Birth charting. I have a violent placement. When one has a violent placement and they are abused…. I don’t even have to finish that sentence. Our birth placements are a snapshot of what we are born to experience, but just like when reading Tarot cards for the future, we can choose different paths or circumstance’s can change for us. Close call, I say!!! 😉 This state of being stuck lasted for 7 hours. I eventually had to give up once again and just allow whatever to come.

It was Bringing me to Enlightenment of my past and the core issue :
“The white lotus flower sits at a stage between the Pink and Blue Lotus, and is associated with the state of bodhi; that of becoming awakened to the wonders of it all.
When one reaches this state it is said that one has mental purity and has reached a state of spiritual perfection.” -Dean Ravenscroft

The next morning I felt elated!! I was tired as hell, having not slept for 48 hours at that point. I was running around telling anyone I could about what I experienced the night prior. I then began feeling as though someone was taking blood from my arms. You know what it feels like when you have an IV inserted when you have your blood taken. The way the skin gets tugged at. This went on for several hours. I told the nurses about this. Then I started seeing snakes with their tongues in my veins. The Normies would freak out about this, but me understanding symbolism since I was a child knew that Snakes meant Transformation and that the tongues were taking the poison from my veins. I was still in detox after all. I always say that If I could redo that night once a year that would always “keep it green” for me! It would help everyone honestly! I know that certain doctors are now testing hallucinogens for quitting smoking and such. Based upon my experience I fully believe it would work! I’m not certain when it will become widely available yet. Smokers, Keep your eyes peeled.

My first year sober I stopped reading Tarot. I needed to conserve my energy as much as I could. I went to a few meetings here and there. I liked going to meet the people and hear their stories. But, it used to bother me that every time I would go I would want to drink. I didn’t understand that. Plus, the only option I knew of and was given was to attend these meetings. I know that they have helped SO many people. My own father was heavily involved for 15 years. It was scary making the decision not to go anymore. But it felt like I was being mind fucked. I couldn’t explain that to anyone. Even if I tried to they would just tell me that I HAD to go! Yes, I’m speaking about A.A.. I already am a very spiritual person and what I practice seems almost like A.A.. Only, I practice from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. It is my life. My entire existence. I remember at one meeting I really liked this woman who was telling her story and so I went to speak to her afterwards about possibly becoming my sponsor. She had way too many rules in order for me to be sponsored. Gave me a list of what I needed to do. I have always lived within energy, energy shifts, changes… feeling when I should and shouldn’t do things. There was a huge red flag. My sponsor was and has always been God. Buddha. Allah. Doorknob. It doesn’t matter. This miraculous and amazing energy is all the same thing. I call it, the Universe. Sometimes, I call it God, since most of the people I surround myself with refer to it as such. I became very productive in two things I hated with the passion… Cleaning and cooking. It’s very funny what chooses you to become productive in when you allow it instead of forcing it. It just may be the things you don’t like the most that save your LIFE. You could have shown up at my house at any given time and ate off the floors. I vacuumed about 6 times a day, dusted constantly, if a utensil was placed in the sink it would be cleaned immediately. I barely ever sat down.

One main thing is that you must remain physically productive as much as you were drinking or using. Well, mine was from the time I woke up until I went to bed. To tell you I was exhausted by 8pm is an understatement. I went right to sleep for the first time in my life. You also must redirect your focus. If I was watching a movie or a TV show that had partying or drinking in it and I felt my emotions change, I would instantly turn off the television and go clean. The Great Gatsby… Man, I loved that movie and I sure as hell wanted to join in! Click. Off you go!!  I barely listened to music my first year sober. Music was my first DOC (Drug of choice). I knew it would trigger me BIG TIME. It wasn’t easy not listening to music, but my sobriety was of great importance. Any time I felt sad or negative I would purposely seek out humor. Comedians are a life saver. I notice a lot of them also make fun of their pain. Kevin Hart even titled his latest show “Laugh at my pain.” Robin Williams is another big name that chose being a comedian to deal with his own issues. I don’t understand people who live in negativity. Especially those that aren’t in recovery and choose to bitch and complain about a raindrop. Life isn’t that hard. Practice being grateful and mindful instead.

Around May of 2015 I began my Instagram. It was initially titled for my last child. I had forgotten about it and never utilized it to post pictures of him. Every day I would post a card and write about it to help my brain heal. Drinking excessively causes so much damage to your brain and organs. Luckily, My organs were still well functioning. At first, I was very frustrated because I had read intuitively for years and I couldn’t even remember the technical meanings of the cards. I did well, but couldn’t read like I used to. My guides saw me frustrated for 7 months.

I finally asked my cards where my gifts went. I had pulled this exact Page of Wands. I heard “They are right here. We are holding onto them for you.” Prior to getting sober I renounced my gifts wanting to be normal SO BADLY. All I had to do was ask for them back. Do you realize how annoyed I was that they saw me struggling for that long and all I had to do was ask for them back?? I guess in a drunken fury I had specifically stated that I had to ask for them back. Like I would remember that. The strange things that one does when they are drunk. I did even stranger things in a blackout. One month after coming out of rehab as I was going through my drawers I came across a sealed envelope that had “Will” written on it. I opened it to see a letter I had written in a blackout. Listing my prized possessions and who they would go to. I did not remember writing this. The crazy thing is that I obviously knew I was close to death. I was told that if I wouldn’t have gone to rehab when I did I would have died that year. By the time I entered into rehab I was a 110 lb woman consuming about 750L of Captain Morgan’s a day, plus a whole bottle of red wine. If I were to relapse I would automatically go to consume that much now, and since my body is no longer used to it…. Can we say death?

I have no desire to drink. My obsession left me after my 2nd year sober. Many go their whole lives obsessing over their addiction. I’m not special. I just worked my sobriety differently. I just knew what to do. I allowed God and my guides to help me. Plus, that 3rd night… it really did a number on my Soul. I remember by the end of that night is when I heard “the 12th step is when you die sober.” I had done all 12 steps energetically that night. I saw myself staring at my grave. And yet I was alive. I am still alive celebrating 6 years later today (4/23/2013 my sobriety date). And now I have written my story. There are so many things I could have implemented into my story of recovery, but I was not trying to turn this into a book.

Sobriety can be achieved. It’s in the way you work it. It’s in the way of importance that you place upon it. It’s within your own discipline. Within your own Deeper understanding of yourself and what brought you to this place. Remember how it made you feel at your worst ALWAYS and you will never want to go back! Addiction Sucks!! It becomes a disease that you unknowingly choose in the beginning. But NO ONE chooses this entrapment. So many need to educate themselves on addiction and stop being so ignorant. I see this constantly on social media. Every one has an addiction, Some are harder to hide than others. Don’t be so judgmental. You’re all being watched.

Believe in yourself. DO what you need to do to get yourself out of that black hole. You know damn well that you don’t want to be stuck there. It’s time to beat the shit out of your addiction like it is a bully trying to keep you down in life. Because that’s all it is. Something that doesn’t deserve your time. Don’t allow it to control you… You control IT.

Blessed Be to You and Yours!

Thank you for Reading my Story.

RJ Worrell

Ps… The Woman who told me she was proud of me but could not be seen is one of my main guides. She was in a few dreams over the past couple of years, giving me information or just being there. She is in charge of my dreams, my past life journeying and was my Aunt in a previous lifetime.



April 2019 / Earth Elemental Reading

Painting by Dina Dargo


Welcome to April, Earth Signs!! This month I conducted a Collective Elemental Read, then conducted readings per sign. Be Sure to check out your Rising and Moon Signs. For those that are interested in my Personal Experiences and getting to know all about me, I posted my First blog titled “Spirituality… it’s seriously not a trend” Snoop around and Ye shall find! 😉 Fire and Water have been posted. The New Moon in Aries post is the energy for this week. Now on with the show!



Collectively:
I’m seeing you Physically moving away, and/or moving away from difficulties. If you’re not physically moving away, some of you have thoughts of moving from where you’re currently at. It’s not where you want to be. Disappointments have been many. You long to get back into positive energy and to go with the flow in a peaceful manner. You need to focus on what YOU can do and what you can offer. Focus on how you can get back the security that you’re aiming for. Believe in yourself and persevere through this energy. Internally, you may be overly emotional. Cut off and cold. It’s from the issues that you have been through. Externally, you’re showing stress. You’re not really hiding how you feel or the problems that you’re dealing with to your closest friends and family. You are communicating with them about what you’ve been going through. There are slow changes coming about in your life. These are emotional changes. You’re attempting to move forward, but this won’t come on rapidly. You will conquer your situation by releasing control on how timely what you want comes to you. You do need to go with the flow of events on a day to day basis. Try not to go from A to Z too quickly. It doesn’t work that way. I’m seeing you struggling when it comes to certain friends or a community of people. They may not understand where you’re coming from or agree with what you’re doing. This can add to the stress you’re experiencing. Don’t worry too much about others, just focus on your yourself. There is the energy of delay, but you will get to where you need to be.


C A P R I C O R N- As I was shuffling I heard, “When in doubt, Strike it out”.  You want to begin a course of action. For a lot of you this is about a relationship. Someone you met in the past you felt an instant connection to. Your souls know each other. You’ll full of hope. You have a crush. It’s a new beginning. The problem is that some of you already belong to someone else. You will feel like you have to turn down this offer and to try and move on from them, but you’ll be stuck thinking about them constantly if you do this. Others want to make a major change in their life. You have met with someone who can help you achieve this goal. But, there seems to be an issue as well as a delay when it comes to getting started. This could be financial for some of you. You may not have the funds to begin. You are told to search for the information, to find a solution to your problem. Keep your wits about you. Your emotions in check. Try not to obsess over the fact that you may be currently stuck. Focus more on how to get out of the blocked situation. The answer is there.

T A U R U S- As I was shuffling I heard, “you WISH you knew me!” You know that you are a rare individual. There’s many that don’t know the real you. But you also hold yourself up high and choose the ones who you invite into your private world. You may have experienced someone or quite a few people recently who have treated you, or spoken to you in a such a way that you didn’t deserve. If they only knew how amazing you are. I’m seeing some of them talking to you in such a way as if they think you don’t know much. They are being condescending. Now, you’re ready to show them exactly who you are. To take back what is yours. In the past you hid certain aspects of yourself. Even if others were showing off their talents and skills… their assets. You hid yours more closely to your chest. Only bringing them out when required. Just barely. You’re currently on a mission. Devotedly dedicated to this mission. This could be within your career for many of you. But this is a showing of physical things. You’re going to showcase your worth. In April, I see you doing something spontaneous. It’s as though you put on a blindfold and spin the wheel. Whatever comes up, you’re doing it! Some of you will be using your intuition to “spin this wheel”. My advice to you is that you’ve come a LONG way to get to this point. You most likely are exhausted. But there’s a bit more work to do and you know this. Stay strong and take breaks when needed. You may not know where this is leading to, but no matter how crazy things may seem, you’re doing what you’re meant to be doing. Don’t question it. See where this takes you.

V I R G O- I feel like you guys are in a restrictive energy. You’re coming out of this. You may have been tempted to cheat in some way to try and get out of this energy. Something or someone was about to be taken away from you. For some of you this has actually happened. Try not to do something underhanded, but rather utilize your intelligence in a healthy manner for coming up with a tactic. I’m seeing in the past that you come from a place of stability and security. Though, at times, even if this was satisfying, you felt that something was a miss. You didn’t feel complete. I see you coming together with another and forming an agreement. They are on the same page as you. A trusted Advisor. In April, You will become more confident and making the changes needed. I’m seeing exciting travel for some of you. Others will be moving. Projects will begin. You are told to have a plan, set your course, and know where to go. You can’t return to what was. You have to focus ahead. Be Mature and Responsible. Organize what you need to in great detail. This reminds me of a portfolio… If you have an idea or a business plan you will need to showcase your ideas and explain them. With Financial situations, you need to show a list of purchases, why they were purchased, and the date. These are just examples that will help to get things moving along. Whatever it is, you are required to be precise. This will help for you to get back to a much more joyful and light energy.


Have an Amazing April!!
Blessed Be to You and Yours!
RJ Worrell

Spirituality… It’s seriously not a Trend.

I’m not trying to hate on anyone with this blog post, I can truly feel that some of them are very good people inside, but this has been slightly bothersome to me for almost 3 years, at the point when “Spirituality” completely blew up. For one thing, we are constantly flooded with fake news, and when so many hopped on the spiritual train, then attempted to take it somewhere else, I couldn’t help but to laugh in the beginning as it all seemed quite ludicrous to me.

Monk in meditation

Truly spiritual people do not care what their hair or nails look like. We do not make appointments to spend time at a salon. That is a waste of time to us. We utilize that time to go deeper internally. We do not care what we are wearing. We do not care to own a bunch of THINGS. We do not tout that we just attended Yoga, snapping shots for all to see. We actually do the least amount of physical activity as possible. At times, we may even neglect our physical selves. We do have our human moments, as we are alive as well… just far from as much as the general society. It is within my human moments, that last around 10 minutes, when I will flip open up a catalogue or go online, purchase a few items and then they end up sitting in my closet forever. Getting dressed on a daily basis consists of grabbing the first things at the top of a pile and then going inside of myself. Comfort Trumps Beauty 99% of the time.

Back in 2004, I went through a Year of what I refer to as a “Shamanism Phase”. I did not and do not spend my time reading text after text of literature explaining to me technical knowledge. I just EXPERIENCE it, work through the energy, gaining real life wisdom to then help others. You will never see or hear me repeating someone else. Though, I have been asked at times if I have read the material of certain individual’s since my conclusions were along the lines of theirs. My reply was simply, “I guess they are correct then!” If these individual’s were coming up with what I had, then they themselves have experience.

During my Shamanism Phase, I immersed myself in the Symbolism of Tarot. I spent about 14 hours a day in deep study. There were times when my Oldest son, who at that time was about 9 years old, would remind to to eat. Yes, My child had to remind me. Especially, when it got past 2-3 days. I wasn’t paying attention to my physical body, aside from the robotic daily shower, doing what I needed to do for my children, then quickly getting back to my studies. I found myself irritated and would grab a few pretzels, crunch them down and say, “There.” Next….. This went on for about a year. Every day would seem as though I was living in a fog. Physical activities appeared to be a blur.

Computer Monitor of the 90’s- early 2000’s

I remember the day I came out of this experience. I was sitting in front of my computer and I went to grab a candle that was on top of my Monitor. Our Monitors back then were chunky pieces of technology that took up space. As I was reaching for the candle I saw my wrist. At first, I thought it was someone else’s wrist and had a few seconds of confusion and disbelief, as I blinked my eyes and realized it was my own. How SKINNY I had become!!!! I didn’t choose when I entered into this “shamanism phase” nor when I exited. But, it was that very night that I had exited. I ran to the bathroom and fully looked myself over. I had been clearly on the edge of death. I didn’t recognize myself. Underneath my eyes was shallow skin of blackness. My physical body looking like a skeleton. Being on the edge of death allows for the individual to live more so in between dimensions to experience certain things that a human really shouldn’t. I will straight out send the warning— DO NOT do this on purpose! I didn’t do it on purpose, and it would be irresponsible and foolish to put yourself in this position just to experience what I am talking about.

Throughout my whole life I have gone in and out of experiences that I could never really explain or speak about to those that surrounded me. My family and most of my friends would not understand. I didn’t even completely understand what was happening to me and why. I’ve been asked by friends who were very interested in what I would speak about “why didn’t I just go and look it up at the library” as a child. Well, when you are brought up in a family of 7 older people who keep telling you that it’s your imagination, you’re making up stories, you’re trying to get attention and that what you’re experiencing isn’t real…. and you are told this repeatedly you start to believe them and think what you’re experiencing doesn’t exist, and that you just might be crazy. I’m going to give an embellished example, so that those that have never experienced anything outlandish can understand… Say you were to see a floating bottle of ketchup. Then you go to tell your family members, of whom are supposed to love and support you that a ketchup bottle was floating in mid air. Your point of telling them is so that you can get answers and feel ok inside. They tell you something like, “WHAT?!?!? That did NOT happen! Stop it!!” Then you are left with the confusion of knowing what you saw and having no one to turn to for answers or to make yourself feel better. Now, Imagine this happens repeatedly for years and years. It kind of reminds me of gas-lighting… only those that do that to another know what they are doing.

The point of me sharing my experiences is because I know damn well that there are others out there that have gone through almost the same thing as myself. Those that had no one to turn to. I have many experiences to share… real experiences and not embellished examples. I know that my blog post started as one entity and merged into what it has become. This is meant to be. This is right on time. This is me and my story. I have so much more to say. This is just the beginning.

I will end this posting with the definition of Spirituality:

It’s not about your Material collection and what you look like.

I would love to begin communicating with the Souls who have experienced things that could not be explained to them. There’s much more to come.

Blessed Be to You and Yours!

RJ Worrell

Through all of my moving around I am left with one.

PS… Things are different with my family now. It may have been triggered when I was about 25 and conducted my first spell. (you MUST do intensive study prior to dabbling!!) What I did seemed to prove the unbelievable to them. It wasn’t even meant to do that. It wasn’t even meant for them. But what it did changed my parent’s perception enough that when they came back from a vacation they had gifted me something I never in my life thought they would… Pentacle earrings. I cried tears of relief. Massive weight off of my shoulders. That moment meant more to me than ANYTHING to this day. I had nothing left to prove to anyone any longer. They prepped me for adulthood. Little did I know that I would be doing what I am as an adult. 😉 Everything happens for a reason.


Weekly Energy (March 18-25th, 2019)


There has been massive change in the air surrounding us for several weeks, as though it is looming. It reminds me of a Lion watching its prey, getting ready to pounce. We have begun shifting through this change. We will begin sticking up for our rights, standing our ground against others that try to impede our progress. This also includes cutting out those that drain us of our energy and waste our time. I am seeing the energy of the past coming back. Which is mostly the case when we are in a mercury retrograde, but we have been asked to heal parts of ourselves for a while now. I believe the tactic we will turn to during this particular phase is of PROTECTION. Protecting ourselves, protecting what we have accomplished thus far, Protecting who we are as individual’s. Those that have conducted intensive self work have been able to build an energetic barrier to outside negativity. This protective barrier helps us to stand in our element with no fear. We can say the things that we want to say without worrying about the outcome of the situation, because our main priority will be ourselves. This doesn’t mean that we are becoming selfish, it means that we are finally putting our own selves first so that we can continue on our own individual journeys to perfect our souls.

Too many times in the past we have we allowed others to hold us back. You may have been too focused on what they would think or say about your choices. You may have subconsciously allowed the past voices of others to dictate how you felt about yourself. What that means, is that as you were growing up you may have been ridiculed or misunderstood and that has impacted you to the core so much that you began to believe it yourself. NO LONGER!! It’s time to put your foot down and to take back your life. That dream you had so long ago… it’s time to revive it. That deep belief in something that was shunned by others… present it to the world. We are not meant to be alike. We are meant to be exactly who we are. Who we truly are. You will not learn who you are or what your particular mission is on this earth if you follow the rules others have put upon you. If there have been certain issues in your life that has never been put to rest or seems to keep cycling back with no real change or sense of closure, this is the time to situate and end this state.

Throw off the dead weight.

You MUST TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE. What is going on right now that you do not like? You’re the conductor… DO something about it. XO

Blessed Be to You and Yours!
RJ Worrell


Energy Shift / Daily Card

We have shifted from a standstill to movement. Karma is coming in all forms– what is due to you is on it’s way! Some of us are the ones who will make the moves towards giving out this karma. This is the Full Moon in Libra coming up on the 20th, after all! Libra is all about Karma and Justice being served. And with it beginning in the zero degree… it’s ready. Those that have been working tremendously hard towards achievement will be given their rewards. Even if something seemed so far off — that it couldn’t be possible — will become possible. The universe has been watching us. Our Spirit Guides stand behind us. What we deserve rests upon the scales.

Queen of Wands

The Queen of Wands is well known for her Passionate nature. She is inexcusably confident and Inspired. She knows what she wants and goes after it. Astrologically, she is a Fire Sign. Aries, Leo, Sagittarius. If she is not taking action towards her burning desires, then she is in her own world of planning the next big thing! At times, she may feel rushed by impatience and become impulsive. No matter what Astrological sign you are, we all go through each sign at some point throughout the month.

 If you’re an Earth sign and you go through the phase of this queen, You will feel as though you have become ungrounded. Earth Signs main energy is one of being physically connected and with the Fire of inspiration you will feel as though you are floating high above the earth… full of exuberance and tantalizing light bulb moments. For Earth Signs, it takes them away from the day to day hustle and grind and helps to get their dreams moving.

If You’re an Air Sign, You will feel as though you have become FREE. You’re so lost in thought or stuck in your mind through all of the analyzing processes, being very critical on each detail. She helps to get you out of your head and into a place where you can express yourself in such a way that boosts your own confidence and releases conflicts.

If you’re a Water sign, you will feel complete. The reason why is that Water and Fire are the main elements. Without Water and Fire, Air and Earth would cease to exist. Water has the tremendous ability to dream up the biggest fantasies and helps to illuminate various pathways. With Fire you will be taking your fantasies and turning them into a reality. You will feel Balanced. Assured. Rectified.

All is never easy within the realm of this particular queen. She has the ability to bring about chaos when it comes to her thoughts, ideas, and opinions. There is always someone who comes along and wants to battle her. She generates a lot of Jealousy for being so self assured and willing to take a risk against the odds. This queen can fight back and win. She knows this deep inside. She has Strength, and sometimes will choose to sit there and do nothing. All of the barking and the hating has zero effect. She has been through this many times before. You don’t want to get on this Queen’s bad side. She has the tendency to ultimately EXPLODE at some point. Her explosions can cause massive change.

No matter who tries to battle you…. Stand Tall, Stand Proud, and most of all… Believe in YOURSELF!

Blessed Be to You and Yours!

RJ Worrell



Weekly Energy / February 25- March 4th, 2019

This weekly energy brings about a time in your life when you will feel the need to “travel”. There is a feeling that something is missing and now is a good time for you to undertake a quest to find out what. This is not a time to take a trip to escape from difficulties, but as a time to gain knowledge. Travel isn’t always referring to Physical travel, we can travel through our emotions, our thoughts, we can travel within our dreams and visions. We can travel to the past, within our memories and take a journey through our past lives. It helps to understand how a particular incident occurred, where our deepest fears took root, where we may have made mistakes along the way and what we could bring back that is of upmost important to ourselves and within our lives.

We are coming from an energy that felt very heavy and restrictive. At times we have felt the desire to move away from this energy and to focus on our desires. Holding ourselves back from forward movement. Where and what to put our trust and energy into. With Mercury Retrograde happening on the 5th, followed the next day by the New Moon in Pisces, it will become a time to have an honest discussion about where we will be taking ourselves. We will be tapping into our emotions on a different frequency. Most of us will relinquish control and allow ourselves to flow with the current. This current will take us to the planning stages of our next endeavor and phase in life.

The energy time line looks like this : Restrictive – Tumultuous – Emotional – Grounded – Freedom. This is what I am seeing. 😉

We must allow ourselves to work through these issues in order for us to get to the other side. The longer we hold back, the longer we will be required to experience the challenges that cause us great trepidation and frustration. You don’t have to fight for what you want. Allow the changes to occur, don’t control them and don’t expect them to become exactly how you envision. Each time you tackle an obstacle you will become much more confident within yourself to continue onto the next step.

Great changes in life are never easy. If they were easy, what type of gratification would you truly get from them? Those that are true to themselves know that hard work must be done. It is how we learn from mistakes, it is how we develop the best strategies for the future, It is how we become stronger as human beings. Silver platters handed over do nothing for our soul growth.

I have noticed that there have been a large amount of people passing on in just the past two weeks. In the Past few days, it has reached a peak. These individual’s are passing on because there is a new level opening up. Stagnancy needed to turn over. An energetic clearing is occurring. I send my sympathy to those that were a part of this. They are currently going through a “viewing” of their lives. If you’re open and./or have gifts yourself, you should begin seeing signs from these loved ones by the end of March into April. It takes about a month after one passes on before they begin to make their visits. Though, you may feel them in the beginning. Part of their soul breaks away to be at their own funeral. Once we pass on, we go through a viewing process to pinpoint the lessons we were to learn and how we dealt with them as living beings. We actually judge ourselves and our own progress. The Soul does not lie or tell half truths. We are very honest with ourselves. This is why it is us that judge ourselves and truly not God (or whatever you choose to call it, as it is all the same), like most think or have been told. But I digress…

In the next 7 years we will mainly be reinventing ourselves and our priories. Changes will occur in the healthcare system, with our finances and how we use them, as well as how we relate to others.

I will be writing about this upcoming New moon and several other topics in the coming days..

Blessed Be to You and Yours!

RJ Worrell



I have been reading the Tarot since 2004. I have extensive knowledge of Symbolism, Numerology, Colors, Dream Interpretation, Astrology, The After Life, Rituals, and Energy Work. Mostly self taught through experiences and experimentation. I don’t read books based on these subjects, other than Astrology. I find it more personal and powerful to come to your own conclusions through analysis.

Earth Element – March 2019

This is a General Reading for the Earth Element (Capricorn, Taurus, Virgo).  Be sure to read your Rising, Moon and Venus.

My Dear Earth Signs… as I was shuffling I saw a vision of people whispering about you. They are talking about what you’re doing or what you’ve been trying to achieve. Rumors, gossip. If only they could focus on themselves and their own issues, right? It’s not all negative… Some are Name Dropping. Telling others to check you out.

 If you’re on Social Media or trying to accomplish something dealing with the public, this will always happen. The more you put yourself out there, the more people will talk about you. There will always be a Negative as well as a Positive.  To expect people to like 100% of what you are doing or who you are is impossible. Don’t let it bring you down. Word of caution… Don’t share every single thing either! You must learn to protect yourself and to be cautious with what you bring to the table.

Even if you’re not on Social Media, People don’t see things the way you do. That’s obvious since no one shares the same brain nor soul. Thank god! Who would want to be a lemming? I feel like you are trying to master something, learn it, implement… definitely get the feeling of trying to take charge in some area of your life. But there are issues when it comes to communicating what you are trying to propose. You feel blocked for some reason.

I’m seeing endings occurring from your past into the present moment.  You left a chapter in your life. You ended an area in your life that no longer felt like it was for you, or you couldn’t do more than you wanted to, so you had to make a decision to get out, end it, and move on. Not everyone is on the same “time line”, so the past could be occurring for you Now, or later. I feel like this is a relationship or a career for most of you. An end to a long term friendship and/or situation. You do have two “family” cards here. The 10 of Pentacles and the 10 of Cups. You’ve done all you could and now the old phase needs to be released so that you can focus on something fresh and new.

Within your subconscious. you want to connect with someone specific or connect with people on a deeper level. But it as though you’re both looking in two different directions. You can’t see eye to eye. I’m seeing for some of you that you both want this, and you have tried repeatedly. The man keeps looking at what he has… so the man could be only focused on the woman or focused on himself (self absorbed— Personal issues can cause this), while the woman holds space for him but is looking around wondering what else is out there.

Further on in March, I’m seeing an offer being presented to you. For a lot of you, this deals with a new job, making money, a new client, or taking a course to further your education or to begin to bring in money for the family; up your income as in a promotion. Remain strong in your abilities to prosper and persevere.  There may be multiple challenges in the beginning but you will be able to get through them and come out very successful. Try not to hold back when it comes to your own knowledge and your skills. It is these two things that will set you apart from the rest.

Have a Wonderful March!

Blessed Be to You and Yours!

RJ Worrell



I have been reading the Tarot since 2004. I have extensive knowledge of Symbolism, Numerology, Colors, Dream Interpretation, Astrology, The After Life, Rituals, and Energy Work. Mostly self taught through experiences and experimentation. I don’t read books based on these subjects, other than Astrology. I find it more personal and powerful to come to your own conclusions through analysis.