I am the 7th child born into my family on 4/7/77 (Good Friday). I've been finding my own way since then as I am the only one like myself within my family. It all started with Spirits as a young child. I began learning Tarot in 2004. I spent a year in deeply devoted study of every aspect within the cards. Eventually, my intuition and gifts flowed forth that were always there hidden underneath the surface. I began reading for free to people from all over the world. as well as friends and family over the course of 5 Years. I now read for a fee and I'm proud to say that all of my clients are returning ones. I have knowledge of Astrology, Symbolism, Color, Dream interpretation. Numerology, Spirits, the afterlife, Spirit Guides, among many other things. I actually had knowledge of all prior to coming to the Tarot. At first I thought (Because of my critical upbringing) how was it possible with images?? Then I remembered that I did this sort of thing when I was in a mental hospital with paintings. Yes, I was in a mental hospital when I was 15 year sold and had my 16th Birthday in there as I was being treated (No party though, as I really didn't care at the time). I was there after a two year stint of thinking that I must have a mental illness. Needless to say I do not. I'm highly sensitive and Empathic. Just because others couldn't see the spirits, hear things from miles away, and just know things, wasn't my problem, it wasn't theirs either, I was just born different. Born with a Pure Spiritual Mission. My critical conditioning prepped me for adulthood. If anyone were to tell me now that what I'm experiencing or sharing is BULL, goes right over my head. Good luck with that!! I've heard it all in the past 41 years. Keep Sleeping, is what I have to say to them. I'm proud of who I am and all that I have lived through... and I still have over 40 years to go! ;) Sun- Aries/ ASC- Libra/ Moon- Sagittarius. Grand Trine in the Fire Element. I will be sharing much more as time goes on.
Blessed Be to You and Yours!
PS.... I am also a recovering alcoholic. 4/23/2013. Spiritual Missions are far from easy. Especially when you feel EVERYTHING and have no idea what's going on.
Welcome to your Full Moon in Scorpio arriving on May 18th. As I was tuning in I heard the song “More Than Words Can say” by Alias. Water signs being very in depth and in tune with their emotions, sometimes gut wrenching emotions…. Feeling this shift hard core. Not only is the Full moon in Scorpio, but Mars went into Cancer and Lilith went into Pisces. Both are hard transits. Lilith stays in Pisces until 2020. With the Moon being in Scorpio it creates the need to delve into your feelings as deep as possible. You will desire meaningful emotional communication now more than ever, even if it is not easy and you are forced to change many aspects in your life or a particular sector. Shallow relationships will not satisfy you, because they are not purifying enough. You will want an intensely deep connection now.
Cancer being at one degree Speaks about Momentous change occurring. Mars is all about action and change… the sign of Cancer is cautious and slow moving… we have a bit of a tug of war going on. Something that once stood as part of our life is changing during this transit, whether this change is something you desire or not. This will challenge your position and/or beliefs. Some of you are the initiators of this change, while others are taken for a ride. So, if your specific change deals with a relationship, you are either the one that wants the relationship to come to an end, or the one that can’t avoid this end by another. Not all of these endings are bad. For some of you, you will be at a new beginning in your life where a change comes in and elevates you to the next level. For instance, you are sought out/found and given a Promotion or a new Job title that puts you where you want to be. Some will be very happy with this new shift, while others will feel ignored. With this Scorpio action there is an energy of shock occurring that has been building up for quite some time. If you’ve been very observant about what is transpiring in your life then you won’t be as surprised as others when this shift occurs. We will all be required to make the necessary adjustments and commitments of some kind.. We need to clearly state where we stand and what we stand for.
You will notice
during this time that you or other’s will become more so demanding of
attention. They will cause such a ruckus that it will be hard to ignore them.
It is like a child throwing a fit and screaming at the top of their lungs in
order to get their way. Or smacking you with a toy on your head over and over
again until you take it away. It will be annoying and exhausting for the one
who has to endure this other individual. They are seeking validation when they
really need to look inside themselves and find their own sense of worth that
they are lacking. This also goes for obsessively constant attention seeking on
social media. Get ready for a ton more selfies being posted, guys.
For some, you will
be either be showing off your own achievements or work and feel like it was all
for nothing. You may feel as though you don’t get the feedback that you should.
You need to understand that at this time it’s not about what you get in return…
what the true benefit is about is that you are helping in ways that you can’t
see or ever imagine. For example, what you do might help others to change their
lives or make them feel better about themselves. You could be a guiding light
The ruling planets
at this time are Saturn, Venus and Jupiter. Saturn is in Capricorn, and since
it rules the sign of Capricorn the energy is very powerful with this placement.
Both the Negative and postive qualities will be emphasized. This will cause you
to feel dedicated and unmoving when it comes to your wants, but you may appear
to be demanding to others. This placement can also seem to place obstacles in
your path to work through. Which also plays a part in how you react. Who likes
constant obstacles? No one… it makes us aggravated when we’re trying to achieve
success of our desires. Saturn being in the 10th house is very beneficial to us
all. Through this hard work over the apparent obstacles that are presented we
can achieve a power boost when it comes to our careers and when it comes to
With Venus being in
Taurus, You will want to show your emotions by use of the physical body. You
will notice that you will want to engage more sexually… some of you may come
off as smothering to the one you are with or the one you desire. Your wanting
desire to touch overpowers your thoughts. This position also brings luck when
it comes to finances. This can come through an inheritance or a partnership
Just like how Saturn
Rules Capricorn, Jupiter Rules Sagittarius and this is where it is stationed.
This brings Generosity and massive expansiveness to your life. This is an
excellent time to turn your ideas into money making projects, because this
placement also brings in good luck when it comes to your finances, only this
will be through your own endeavors.
The energy at this time is Dynamic and forward moving, causing you to feel restless, full of energy and carrying excess emotional pressure. You will want to release this pressure before you explode. You will be trying to achieve the ultimate truth for whatever plaques you at this time. You want that closure more than ever. Try not to be overbearing when seeking this truth.
I have conducted very short reads into each sign that I have uploaded on youtube!
Welcome to May, Air Signs!! Be Sure to read your Rising and Moon Signs as well. You can create your own chart to figure your own personal signs at astroseek.com… I have conducted a Collective read and then went in Individually.
You guys are dealing with Soul Healing at this time. If you do not know where your Chiron is placed at your time of birth, then definitely go create a chart and it will show you what you are trying to heal at this time individually. I find this amazing timing (yes, it still amazes me after 15 years) that I was just telling my oldest son about his. He’s a Gemini. I digress… I personally have Chiron in Taurus. It is a very hard placement!!! For other’s that find out that they have the exact placement as me, let’s share our experiences! Some of you will find out that your issues derive from a sense of abandonment, others will come to find the reason behind many failed relationships,… there are 12 different options, as well as 12 different house placements. Both are extremely important, so make sure you know your birth time or else you won’t see how it can be healed and fixed.
A Q U A R I U S: As I was shuffling the 8 of Cups revealed itself to me telling me that many of you want to move or walk away from your current situation. This can be an environment as well. There is a delay for most of you at this time. This could be a home, a specific job, a title, a relationship. The main thing is that you feel very unsatisfied. You don’t want to be in this position anymore and want to go towards what you dream of. This is validated Since I pulled the Star for Your general theme of May. The Star is about your hopes, wishes and dreams finally being fulfilled. What you’re aiming for you shall receive! I am seeing that you’ve been working through a sense of loss and disappointment, possibly regrets, but your focus is changing to a sense of strength to see what is on the other side of the situation. You will no longer focus on the problems, the issues, you will no longer say to yourself, “If only, what if, maybe if we try it this way instead.” it’s about focusing on what NEWNESS can be brought into your life to make it better… not holding onto what once was. You’re letting that shit go. There is this over domineering presence in your past. For some of you, this could be you standing for your rights, but doing so in a way where you’re sick of another trying to change your mind. Sometimes, We have to get a bit bitchy when telling another how something is going to go or when we give our answers because if we respond in a nice manner others think they can persuade us. I’m not an Aquarius but I can’t stand when someone tries to persuade me. I think I mostly answer in a bitchy way regardless. Lol Too many thinking they can tell me what’s up. Back to your reading… you have had to remain quite strong during this time and not back down. You have had to keep pushing through and chugging along in order to get through this situation. It’s not fully over though… I see that you will once again have to put your foot down against others who have an opinion. You each have your own wounds to heal as I stated prior but I feel as though you will have to work on standing up for yourself and taking your power back. It’s possible that many of you feel as though you were in hopeless situations or felt as though someone else always controlled you in some way… this may have led you to feel as though you didn’t deserve certain things in life. Well, the time has officially come to say “You were wrong!! And I deserve whatever I want! MY turn!” … I see within your outcome you will be doing what you want anyway, and even doing things that may be shady. Just try not to hurt anyone in the process. You’re going after what has been missing in your life. You have taken care of so many people or have done for others constantly as you put yourself on the back burner, and now you’re about to truly indulge and take care of YOU! (whether others like it or not!)
G E M I N I: As I was shuffling the 3 of wands revealed itself to me telling me that you are waiting on something at this time. This could include 2 other people for some of you. So, You may have sent something out in the universe and now you’re waiting on hearing an answer to the situation. It’s coming in May, no worries. I’m seeing you going through hard experiences from the past coming into the now. There is this individual in your past that is manipulative, malicious, does whatever he wants and doesn’t give a damn what chaos it causes. You’ve been in research mode trying to gather all of the details about this individual (who they truly are, what they have done). You feel as though you have given up your own willpower and strength to this other person or situation at this time and it is bothering you on a very deep level. I’m seeing some of you feeling disturbed at the core by this. It seriously is quite rattling. This may in turn cause you to neglect yourself or certain things within your own enviornment. If you’re a mother, you may go on a bit of a strike to get your children or spouse to help out… it’s like you’re being taken for granted and you’re sick of it! Even if you’re not a mother and you live with someone else, you may be putting in way more effort than them. You’re done! I’m seeing a lot of you not budging on this through the month of May. Some of you may get to the point where things feel so stagnant… your life as a whole or your emotions are collecting behind the surface. Try not to freak out. You need to become more grounded as an individual and to speak to someone. Get some help. Look for better ways to become more productive for your own self. It seems like a catch 22…. You do these things (lack of) to prove a point but it’s as though you mess with your own energy. Messing with your own positivity is not the way. You don’t want to end up bogged down stuck in a negative emotion. Look towards what intrigues you and sparks your interest. I’m seeing many of you learning something new after the consideration has been met. If you’re not sure of what you’d like to do just yet, don’t worry. I’m seeing a positive outcome for you that will fill you with hope! A new beginning rests at the end of your storm.
L I B R A: As I was cutting the deck the Empress revealed itself to me indicating that you guys are trying to take control of your environment. There may have been things put to the side for a while and now you know that you must focus on them in order for them to grow. You are also spiritually growing and transforming at this time. You are surrounded by profound change at this time. It’s as though Luck itself has come to visit and you may not even realize it. It is sitting there watching you, as you go through this process of letting go. I am seeing you experience a type of death inside. Externally, you are changing things in your atmosphere. You could be changing the way in which you do a specific task, or on a wider perspective, you could be trying to move locations. However, There is a lack of communication and movement. There’s this energy of a fire festering getting ready to Burn. This month you will be focusing on what brings you great satisfaction, financial abundance, and what you can offer to the world. I’m seeing as though a little birdie is telling you a secret. This is something that can help you achieve more trust within yourself, more pride about who you are and what you’re doing… for some this can be something physical that you go and get done that helps to boost your confidence. Your advice for this month is to take some time away from the norm. Don’t look to other people. Don’t watch what they are doing. Try to think outside the box. It could be that your normal circle of friends or network has become toxic or flooded with difficulty. If so, there is a much better tribe waiting for you. Looking at your Mantra for the month validates this theory- ” New worlds are calling you forth where the old rules don’t apply”. You are to be like Alice in Wonderland at this time. What is down that hole? Who knows… but, you’re meant to go down it and then rediscover yourself… to find a whole new approach. Possibly even a whole new You. I’m seeing you being able to come to a place inside of yourself where you feel free, young, and fearless. Think back to how you felt as a child, when everything was new and you were open and curious. That’s where you will find yourself by the end of May. Completely open minded, Fearless and having a good time!
Welcome to May,
Earth signs! Be sure to read your Rising and Moon Signs! I have conducted a
collective read as well as per individual sign. Enjoy!
Your main focus for this month completely suits your element, as it is all about stability! I’d say we are right on point with this past New Moon in Taurus… hopefully, many of you set new intentions, conducted your rituals, created your vision boards, and have began to manifest your desires. Very powerful for you at this time. Yes, you can still do these things if you have not yet!! For a lot of you there seems to be a mystery surrounding you lives or current situations. You feel as though something is happening behind the scenes and you feel unstable or insecure about it. You want to get to the heart of the matter. Because feeling this way takes you completely out of your comfort zone! For some of you this began at the end of April/beginning of May. For others, this has been going on a while. This may lead you to become ungrounded and to take an action that you normally wouldn’t take. Maybe checking someone’s messages, stalking them online, watching what they do. You don’t have ill intentions towards this person… you want validation for what you think is happening. Better yet…. Most of you truly want to be proven wrong when it comes to this.
C A P R I C O R N: WOW, Caps!! In May I see that A lot of you are angry as hell about a situation that seems very unfair. I feel like some of you kind of knew this would happen, so it’s not a huge shock, but it’s still a surprise. I’m seeing a situation when it comes to family here. It seems like all was going well and then all of a sudden … BAM! Out of nowhere this unexpected incident occurs. There is this energy of a power struggle occurring. Arguments, fights. Someone trying to manipulate the situation or a person you care about. Someone is trying to justify why this has happened. Or you could be so pissed off about this situation because they basically messed up what you had going which was a VERY good thing… and you won’t stand for it. I’m seeing that this is not over! There is someone charging in quickly with a lot to say about this matter. For some of you, I am seeing that there is someone who is angry (I feel like they’ve been waiting to state their peace for a while… just waiting for something to happen to trigger them to feel like it’s time to finally come clean.) There is very powerful energy surrounding this. I am feeling very on fire and restless just reading this for you. Don’t turn your head, don’t turn your back..,, watch from all sides, because you yourself could be a target of this individual who can’t seem to calm down. I am being told that you must protect yourself and your environment. You need to stand up for your beliefs and stand up to others. The good news is that… your outcome is the SUN. Thank god! After what I was seeing…. Everything will work out. Everything will finally be out in the open, no more secrets to be revealed. Your Friends will be your most supportive people when it comes to this situation… so, if you need to call upon them, do so. Most of you won’t need to call upon them because they will be there in an INSTANT to help back you up. I know this sounds scary for some of you but this is required to clear the air. Stay strong!!
T A U R U S: As I cut the deck the 6 of swords revealed itself telling me that you’re moving away from disappointing circumstances. This card showed up again as your last months carry over. Something that you didn’t expect happened. It’s as though things were going well, you thought all was good, you may have been working towards a goal and then this knocked you off your horse. You were side swiped. Trying to move on from this type of ordeal isn’t very easy. So what are you doing… you’re currently trying to focus on the future. I get this energy from you that you won’t be as open as you have been. You will keep a lot close to your chest. For some of you, I am seeing that you have a goal to save as much money as possible for future use if needed. This is the energy of gathering resources and gaining a sense of security. You are told to say what you need to say, but try not to allow your emotions to get the best of you. I’m also getting that you’ll be setting up some type of trust, an investment… passing it down later to a family member. For others, this is a long term goal towards securing and stabilizing a family unit…. So that you no longer need to stress and worry about financial ups and downs. I am seeing you walking away from all the bullshit. You could have continued to play a part in either a competitive group of people or you just will chose to avoid further conflict. You want the tension to be released. A lot of you will be utilizing your intuition naturally when it comes to this situation. It’s time to reinvent yourself or the situation all together.
V I R G O: As I was shuffling Justice revealed itself to me stating that you’re in a situation where a sense of balance is trying to be attained. Some of you may be going to court, or seeking out wise counsel and help from a mediator. You also may feel as though you are in an unfair situation. Your cards seem heavy to me. Aside from the fact of what I said concerning Justice, this is showing me that you’re so damn tired and don’t know how much longer you can hold on. You’ve been through so much recently. Your coming from a phase where you felt insecure and had to keep things close to your chest. You may have held onto finances or secrets, but what you have held onto seem very important for future use. You’ve been trying to figure out some information so that you don’t go into something blindly. Some of you have been looking up this information yourself on the internet… you may have been watching a person to see what they’re up to or watching several people. You’re trying to gather as much as you can to make things work out for you in the long run. I am seeing that you will be meeting a person who can help you and give you what you need. They will tell you what you need to do and how to go about implementing plans or the way forward. So, this relates back to what I saw in Justice for some of you that will need to seek out wise counsel. The advice for you is to take some time off, away from the noise. You need time to yourself after meeting up with this individual or finding out the information you need in order to clear your head and work through your emotions. You want to take future steps in a calm, mature, well informed manner, and by taking this time to yourself you will achieve this. You have been having intuitive reactions to what you don’t know. This is the case of “You know, but it hasn’t been proven yet.” This is what you’re trying to figure out. You’re on a personal quest for truth. Trust yourself this month and going forward.
Welcome to May,
Water Signs! Be sure to read your Rising and Moon When Posted! I conducted a
collective read, then went into each sign individually. Enjoy!
Your Physical self
is very important in May. You will find the need to speak about your physical
health, your appearance, about the desires of your body (could be of sexual
nature), what you’d like or need to do in order to change a certain physical
aspect that has been bothering you. In the past, you have tried to mask a flaw
… kept it hidden as much as possible. You may have thought about it repeatedly
to the point where something now must be done! You could decide to begin a
workout regimen, a specific diet plan, go to a plastic surgeon, a dentist. I’m
seeing some of you truly feeling the desire to come OUT in some way.
Communication about yourself, your goals, and what you would like to do in order to make this change is highlighted this month.
C A N C E R: As I was cutting the deck the 8 of cups revealed itself telling me that you desire this change, but for a lot of you this change is being delayed. You want to leave behind what doesn’t make you happy and feel fulfilled, but you haven’t really communicated about this or haven’t taken the steps needed. I’m seeing you as being run down, tired, drained, in the past, coming into May. I am hearing, “What Now??” for some of you. It is as though one thing happens after the other…. I wanted to initially say “bad thing”, but it’s not really bad, it’s just annoying… exhausting, as in nothing seems to be going right or running smoothly. Your plans aren’t coming about in the way that you’d like them to be. Currently, things are at a standstill. Not much movement, no communication… this is where the other delay is. It is as though some of you haven given up or wanted to. The process is taking too long for some of you. You’re sick of it. You feel like you’ve been through war at this point. How much longer are you supposed to hold on?? How much more must you take to get what you deserve?? How much more work should you put in?? You’ve done enough! Well, my crabbies… The tides are changing for you! 🙂 May brings in The Wheel of Fortune! I’m seeing you meeting with another that you will feel a good connection towards. Communication will flow freely and openly. A discussion about a new opportunity or way of being. It will be a risk for you that you may feel like backing out of, as though you don’t have enough confidence, faith, funds, whatever it may be…. This will cause yet another delay, but I do see you finally moving forward with trust. Success is coming. The energy of endings and beginnings surround you this month. You are meant to go on this new path. This may be a WHOLE ENTIRELY new path for some of you, as you received not only the Fool, but with the oracle a card titled ” Brilliant Virgin”. This could be a whole new relationship, a new career path or business start up, or when we think about your physical body you can entirely change as aspect of yourself… 😉
S C O R P I O: As I was cutting the deck the King of Wands revealed itself telling me that you need to take control of your situation with no fear involved. Some of you may have many ideas that you must get out there… show them to the world… tell them to an individual that can help you make them become a reality. IN the past I see you holding on tightly to these ideas and not revealing them. (this could actually be a person for some of you… you have thoughts about what they’ve been up to… you’ve been trying to get this out of them… it’s like a huge secret. You hold on tightly to them.) This woman holds a sacred scroll as though it is her precious baby. There are secrets in your past. Currently, I am seeing you giving up. You could be giving up in general or finally giving up what you have kept so close to your chest. You will be communicating honestly about what you want to bring forth. I’m seeing a definite answer being given. There will be no more delays or beating around the bush. The decision will be made to take the risk and make it happen. You must allow yourself to let go of all and any preconceived notions… you must allow yourself to change and drift from the past to the present into the future. Try not to focus too much on where this leads you. I am seeing that this ending will be hard for a lot of you. As you’re showing that you don’t want to leave this state of security even though it has held you back. You have some emotional ties to it. You’ve been planning for a long time. You need to leave this phase behind because something so much better is waiting for you out there. You can’t see that yet. Your mantra for the month of May validates and tells you to take that risk… to change… to allow the change… And as the card of Death that you received as your advice goes hand in hand with your extra insight of Transformation… You must let go and to allow the universe to step in. You’ll be glad that you did in the end. It will feel like a weight off of your shoulders and a whole new You.
P I S C E S: As I was cutting the deck the 9 of wands revealed itself telling me that you’ve been holding on for as long as you possibly could, even though it has been quite the fight. Some of you just want to say, “Fuck it.” drop it and walk away. You guys have some crazy cards! I see that in the past there were secrets and things hidden. You definitely felt this deep within and had all kinds of thoughts and visions about what possibly took place behind your back. I am seeing an emotional roller coaster for some of you. Currently, there is this Knight of Swords charging forth who has a lot on their mind and they can’t help themselves but to tell you what they think, how they feel, and what they expect to happen. This could be you acting like this Knight of swords. This individual astrologically is an Air Sign, but I go mostly with the energy of the personality. This individual seems PISSED (angry). Problem is they (or you) are jumping to a conclusion/decision way too quickly without knowing all of the details. You guys have 3 6’s in your reading! Harmony and balance is needed so much in this situation. You have an emotional imbalance, a Physical imbalance, and a Major decision to make. For some of you this decision is about keeping what you have or going a different route… a route that you feel more drawn towards. Others are about to make a huge decision within a relationship or friendship. I’m seeing you wanting to go back and reconcile because the situation has gotten out of hand… others are stuck on something that was done or denied to them in the past. It’s truly a hurdle to work through. You’re advised to be honest, fair and to give as well as receive equally. If you feel you owe something to someone or that they owe something to you, this should be discussed if it hasn’t yet. You may have been way too generous with your time and/or resources and now boundaries must be set and respected. Your mantra for the month speaks about discipline. Don’t try to receive what you want by the use of force. Instead, utilize intelligence with an open heart and a good attitude towards the other when this discussion takes place. Know that all is not as it seems to be. Try not to act impulsively, as I see that by you remaining mature and compassionate everything will turn out well for all involved.
Welcome to May, Fire
Signs! 🙂 Be Sure to read your Rising and Moon signs when they are posted.
Below I have read on your element collectively as well as individually!
Fire signs are transforming in May. Most likely around this Full Moon in Scorpio on the 18th. The energy will catapult you! A type of Debt is being paid off. For some of you that have been going through hard experiences, your reward is coming in. So, don’t push away any type of offering, meeting, suggestion (most of these will seem as though they are nothing or aren’t worth your time, but you’ll be surprised.) It could be the starting point of something much larger than you could ever imagine. You don’t have to instantly get excited, Jump at the chance or make a decision quickly. You just need to remain open and neutral… see where it goes.
Many of you will be challenged through an ending of some kind in order to move on to better circumstances. It’s all pretty much Karmic Debts. Say you’ve been in a relationship or a job (specific career) for a very long time and now you will be released from it in some way. It could be in a unpredictable way as well. Especially, with Lillith transiting Pisces for a year (began on May 3rd 2019). Be prepared to leave your comfort zone and definitely try not to “wing it”. You’re either going to be the alchemist or the student of you situation. You may Sit back and observe or see how you can change your circumstances. If you remain the student… someone else will come in as the teacher. It’s best to take control and to figure out the best way to navigate through your ordeal to gain the best outcome.
A R I E S: When the deck was cut the 6 of cups was revealed. Definitely working on past issues, old happy memories coming about as well, past life karma. Currently, the Star as we come into the month of May. Carrying over the Justice from April. Last months general theme is the Knight of Pentacles. This month’s general theme is queen of cups. Some of you could be dealing with an over emotional, manipulative loved one. Could be a water sign. They can be smothering. Vindictive. Passive aggressive. There is this energy of unfairness happening that you’re bringing forth from last month… or the past. Keeping in mind that some of this could derive from childhood, past lives or younger years. This individual could be acting out like a bratty child. Someone deranged. Your advice is to take control, don’t allow someone else to dictate to you, put your foot down, direct the situation in a positive manner with respect, but don’t allow them to disrespect you in return. Set the course. Plan ahead. Delegate when needed. Outcome is the 2 of cups. This person is not going to like what you’re doing. There will be miscommunication, a disagreement, not being able to compromise. Now, I see why they will throw a bit of a tantrum and try to deliver guilt trips. You’re done hanging back, you’re done feeling sick, you’re done thinking through your situation and you’re done healing…. You’re ready to take what you’ve learned with great strength and move forward. Mantra for the month… You may feel like you’re juggling a lot this month… even if it’s your emotions that are on a bit of a roller coaster. Try not to get overwhelmed. Take breaks so that you won’t get drained or become exhausted. Prioritize what you need to do first, then go from there. Allowing someone else to help where they can will be beneficial. You will be able to manage and handle all that is happening as long as you stay present and relax. Your extra insight for May comes from your own Soul. You have had this discussion before, of this lesson that would come about in your life, how it would all go down and what you would have to do and learn from this process. What does your gut say? You may have trouble controlling your own emotions when it comes to this other person. To get counsel or therapy will be helpful at this time to keep you calm and on your path.
S A G I T T A R I U S: When the deck was cut the Ace of Cups revealed itself telling me that you’re at a new beginning in your life, filled with hope. For some of you this may be delayed. I’m seeing you receiving a huge “A ha” moment. AS though looking back on your life and your various experiences has brought forth a new revelation to your current situation. I’m seeing that you’ve been stressing out or stuck in a bit of a mind trap that seemed NEVER ENDING. The energy I’m seeing is of Clouds being dispersed. Confusion being cleared. Clarity has arrived. Carrying over Strength … you’ve been through some very hard and trying times, have persevered and remained as strong as possible. Holding back a lot of what you wanted to say or actions you wanted to take. And if you did say them or take them they were straight forward and full of courage. Very mature. Trying to take the higher road. King of Wands is this month’s general theme… he is looking at the past like “Fuck that! I’m most important!” You are what I call “angry strong”… You refuse to go backwards. Enough is enough Change needs to take place. Your Mantra… “this isn’t over… you haven’t won.” You have been making sacrifices for far too long. It’s like you’re noticing that you’ve been stuck in a dysfunctional situation or relationship. Or you were stuck in one in the past and you’re now seeing that for all it is… seeing the bigger picture. May have felt or seemed cultish to you. For a lot of you this deals with a family situation. For others this is something else that you had to play a part in for a long time and follow the rules that were laid out for you. I’m seeing that for a lot of you by the end of May (Timing is different for everyone) you will still feel stuck in this. You want to get out SO BADLY… and honestly, you can get out, you may not see how yet, or feel that you can. You will be very tempted to go behind the backs of others or do what you want in the meantime without them knowing… I see you doing tricky tactics, but it’s not like you’re trying to hurt the person, you just can’t openly do what you want at this time.
L E O: When the deck was cut the Wheel of fortune revealed itself telling me that karmic destiny plays a massive role in your situation. I am noticing many changes within your cards. If you were a reader I would just rattle the card titles off to you and you would be like “holy shit.” I have you currently walking away from a situation. This is a situation that has held you in place for a very long time. You have felt as though there was nothing that you could possibly do to change it. You just had to hang there and observe it from every angle. You couldn’t make a move. You either decided to hold yourself there or the situation did. But now, you’re able to move on towards something much more gratifying. You hope that it will be anyway. Seeing this king of Wands here as your hovering energy, you want to take direct action about something in particular. You feel quite confident in your ability to get what you want. You have this burning desire to charge forth, but you hold yourself back because you know that the situation could become chaotic if you allowed yourself to do what you fantasize about. You will take the much slower approach, step by step, laying down the foundations towards your goal. Looking at the oracle card that I pulled of extra insight, it is titled Provoker… and I kind of laughed to myself… because I saw this with the King of Wands… Some of you want to provoke another for whatever reason. Maybe they have what you want. Maybe you feel they don’t deserve it. I feel as though just your presence could be intimidating in this situation. I’m not saying that YOU’RE intimidating on a daily basis (though some of you could be), I’m saying that within this situation, you could be intimidating to the one you have your eye on or the one that you’re thinking about confronting… there we go… that’s the other word I was looking for. You will be thinking about your happily ever after in May… this is your main goal and focus. You want everything you’ve ever asked for when it comes to a loving family. You want everything to go well and for all to get along. You want to make this happen so you’re about to journey and find it. Some of you may have to leave an individual or a current location behind. Others will have to leave behind a certain way that you’ve been living for a long time… especially, if you’ve been single. It will be time to share your life with another. You’re advised to take the time needed in order to repair your thoughts and emotions… some of you have to re[air your health. Taking this much needed time will help to gain the courage to move forward. Your outcome shows you needing to make a decision…. One that you may have ignored and put off… it’s scary for some of you. But it must be done. Overall, is Death…. Yes, that wonderful transformation I was speaking about in the collective above. Your life is about to change in a massive way! And it is for the better. Your Mantra for the month validates as you’re told to “go Fish!” It’s a gamble, sure…. But one worth taking.
With this New Moon
being in Taurus, the main topic that will be on your minds will be centered
around STABILITY. Financial Stability, Physical Stability, Relationship
Stability and Comforts… The Physical Body. How and What we surround ourselves
with and put into our Soul’s Chariot (Physical Body). How we can create this
sense of structure into our lives.
are a stubborn bunch when it comes to change. They want things to be a specific
way and don’t really care to veer off course. They are very cautious and
require backed-up proof before making a decision. We each take a piece of this
into our lives, in some form and during certain periods of time, especially
around this New Moon. What you’ve been stubborn about changing or have been
unsure of… it’s time to get serious about. It’s time to become devoted to this
transformation. It will take effort, trust and dedication, but it will be so
worth it in the end.
With this New moon
directly landing on the 4th, know that the number 4 is “Stability”.
Two confirmations, Double the solidity of what you are about to bring into
existence beginning on or around this day. If you’ve been feeling off balance
or losing hope, then this is a very good time to ground yourself. To come back
into alignment with your goals and visions for your future. This is also about
paying off long held debts and bringing your body back into balance. Imagine
the four legs of a table or a chair in order to hold everything together. You
will begin building these legs and gluing them into place. It’s time to set
plans and to focus on the details. To Get relationships in order as well. When
it comes to relationships, agreements need to be made and promises kept. Try
not to change what is agreed upon at a later date.
Taurus is a Feminine
sign, so these changes made won’t be erratically or done by brute force. Being
a Physical sign, we will see the steps taken and the results with our own eyes.
This will not be an emotional change. Very far from. We will be driven by what
inspires us or gets us moving. When the Moon was in Libra we conducted a lot of
analysis and thought, the New Moon in Aries caused us to feel the burning
desire to change, now Taurus causes us to take action to lay down the
foundations to which we are aiming to achieve. To get down and dirty… it’s time
to get deep into the garden and plant our seeds, to put in more effort and do
the work required of us. This can be quite tedious, just take it one step at a
time. I’m seeing you observe each action or each plan you implement, before
moving onto the next step. Some of you will become methodical about this
process you’re beginning. We will have to be our own advocate, as Neptune is
still in Pisces causing us to drift into a sea of fantasy when we need to stay
in the reality of our situations. No more dreaming about what we want… no more
fantasizing about a different life. It’s time to get serious and make it
Hello! My name is RJ
and I am a recovering Alcoholic.
I never in my life thought that I would be the one saying that phrase. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent. I didn’t know he was an “alcoholic”, I just thought he loved to drink. I was only 9 years old when he went away to rehab. It was a chaotic swirl of confusion, sadness and anger. I had no idea what was happening. All I knew was that I felt abandoned. I still had my Mother, as well as my 5 older siblings. But it was like a chunk of my heart was taken away in an instant. You need to understand that back in the 80’s the internet did not exist, nor did I have people discussing addiction around me. I think it was Taboo. He was gone for about two years and I was pretty much left to my own devices. My mother would tell my siblings to watch me, but they were teenagers and didn’t care much to babysit. At times, I would be up the block at my friends house, who’s father was like my second Dad. Other times, I would be walking the neighborhood in search of things to do with my time. I later came to find out that my “Second Dad” was actually my Adoptive Father in a previous lifetime. A tale for another day!
I never enjoyed the taste of alcohol, yet, if there was a wedding I would end up drunk. I ended up drunk at my sister N’s wedding when I was 16. Then ended up drunk at my sister D’s wedding when I was 18. My parent’s kept telling me that I had the red flags as a child. They would find me passed out with a bottle of perfume or cologne next to me (a story my mother has told me a few times) as a young child/ toddler. I never understood why I would go “Sniffing around” for alcohol. I came to realize that the bottles I would find resembled my father’s whiskey bottles and I was merely mimicking what I saw. I will be honest and state that I don’t remember much of my childhood. I wish I could. The reason why I wish I could is so that it would help me to heal certain parts of myself.
As a young adult, my best friend would try to get me to drink sometimes. I remember one time we made plans and she asked me, “You are going to drink though, right???” She wasn’t peer pressuring me, she just didn’t want to waste money and “party” alone. Most of the time, I’d end up taking 3 sips and quit. I just couldn’t stand the taste!! But, if we were out and about, especially at Ybor City, I was getting drunk! It was definitely party time then! See image below… Me partying at Coyote ugly in Ybor City,,, dancing on the bar, getting the crowd excited. The drunk me was pretty fun. Though the Fun didn’t last for long. Each time I would stop and go back, my drinking progressed.
I was a mother of three at this point. I became a Mother at 20 years old. This was a rare night out for me. And because I didn’t get out much, the LION came out to play every single time!
I was about 29 years old when I truly began my “drinking career”. I say that it was a career since I’d spend as much time drinking as one would working (eventually). I would stop for a while, but when I would go back to drinking I would consume more than I would have previously. That is what is called progression of the disease. Each time I would go back, it would just get worse.
2012 was the worse year yet for my drinking. During 2012, I felt that I had a problem and I analyzed it from every angle, even as I poured myself more. I ended up feeling like a crazy philosopher, especially during the midnight hour. Constantly in drunken analysis. I thought that there wasn’t much of an issue because I had been able to stop drinking while I was pregnant with my 4th child in 2010. I stayed away from alcohol up until he was about a year and a half old. Then, I once again, slowly progressed into full time drinking. I also analyzed the fact that even when I did drink he never got hurt, he was always fed, he was always in a clean diaper, he was well taken care of. I analyzed the fact that I didn’t act like my father had. Most of the issues surrounded myself. I didn’t hurt my kids, I didn’t hurt their father. I didn’t see that I was hurting myself. And even if I was, I felt that that was better than hurting someone else. It still didn’t seem good enough! I even went as far as to ask my father if he thought I had a problem, to which he replied, “I don’t know. Do you?”
In the fall of 2012, I sought out a psychiatrist to help me with my accumulating anxieties. Not realizing then that it was because of my hard core drinking that I had come to experience all of these issues. One of the red flags should have been the fact that I would not drink before my appointments, nor did I divulge to him that I drank often. I was keeping that as my dirty little secret. He prescribed me Xanax and Nothing of substance was discussed during my visits. I stayed away from drinking for the first month knowing that combining Xanax with alcohol was a Huge NO NO. One visit before Thanksgiving, as we were saying goodbye in his office he asked me what I was doing for the holiday, then said to “have a drink, have some fun with your family”. I must have shown my confusion on my face. He then said it was OK to have one drink. Little did he know I was an alcoholic and one drink??? Not happening! No matter how hard I wished I could do that. The whole point of drinking was to escape reality for me. I wish I could drink one or two just to feel relaxed, but that’s not how my brain chemistry works. That’s not how addiction works. In my mind, because this is part of the disease, that since a psychiatrist told me it was ok, even knowing he didn’t know of my addiction, then it must be ok. I was given the green light to indulge. My Wise mind knew differently, but the devil inside said “LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!”
Cue in the Black
outs…. I don’t remember much from that Thanksgiving. Though I have pictures to
look back on. It was after combining Xanax with Alcohol that I began
experiencing continuous blackouts. Which should have been an obvious given the
fact that we’re always told not to drink on certain medications. I’m the type
of person who wants the details… the reasons why before I decide my own fate.
You can’t tell me not to do something just because I shouldn’t. You can’t even
tell me not to do something because it could kill me. I’m reckless. I need to
understand the details, the deeper meanings, I need to figure it out myself.
Growing up I was scared of drugs. Terrified!! I would become livid if my friends even smoked marijuana. I was like a parent to my friends. I would take whatever they had and flush it down the toilet instantly. They eventually would try to hide the fact that they did them from me. I was oblivious when it came to drugs and what would happen to someone on them. All I knew, was that the energy of them were negative to me. I have never to this day tried LSD, Cocaine, Heroin, Meth, Crack… but I have tried Marijuana and it was pretty damn relaxing. Marijuana is the only “drug” that doesn’t scare me. The thing is… the deeper reason why I was scared. I would most likely be dead right now. I know and understand that today; but my Soul self understood that since birth. The irony of it all is that I learned in rehab that alcohol was a hard core drug and Xanax was a pill form of alcohol. Two mind fucks, right there. I actually felt stupid for not knowing this already. I despise feeling that way more than anything else, since I’m ridiculously over critical of myself. Intelligence means more to me than any other aspect a human could possibly have. That is what intrigues and amuses me. I spent half of my life deep within the universe in intense study about Souls, Spirits, Lessons, Magic, the misunderstood, the unbelievable.. etc.. I’m now learning all of the things that most people pay attention to their whole lives. The external aspects of the human body and such. I’m hoping to reach pure mastery by the time I’m in my 60’s.
One night in early
2013, I vaguely remember texting my parents, ” I need help.” My
memory goes in and out. When one is in a blackout their brain does not record
what is happening or said. There are many bits and pieces missing that I will
never get back. The next morning a woman from a rehab called me. I did NOT want
to take the call. I almost hung up on her. That’s the fear taking hold that
happens to every person in addiction. You’re afraid to stop, but you also know
that if you continue you will surely die. I agreed and made the arrangements to
go into rehab. I knew that I did not want to continue this cycle in my life no
matter how scared I was. What I knew was that every morning I was confronted
with what I had written to a person I cared about tremendously or had posted on
social media. Both were either extremely embarrassing or hurtful. It was so bad
that I would grab the bottle and begin drinking again to forget about what I
had done. The next morning… same thing. The morning after that… same thing.
This cycle continued for months and months.
Eventually, I would have tears rolling down my face as I poured myself
more. I wanted this insanity to STOP!!! Only I could stop it. I just didn’t
know how. When you’re deep in addiction you feel as though someone else is
There is a reoccurring debate about whether or not addiction is a choice or a disease. Initially, it begins as a choice for everyone on this planet. You do not know what you will become addicted to. Not every single person has the same brain chemistry or genetic makeup. We are humans, not robots. Basically, every single person has an addiction of some type. Some binge watch Netflix instead of cleaning or watching their children. Some become addicted to exercising. Others become addicted to Food. The ones who get ridiculed the most are the ones that become addicted to a substance. Where as the other addictions do not change the way in which an individual speaks, thinks, reacts, or live their daily lives, substance abuse is more prominent and can easily be seen by all. Like I stated prior, I hated the taste of alcohol. I never in my life expected for THAT of all things to take control of me. It eventually did and became something I turned to for every reason under the sun.
The day before I entered into rehab I decided that I would not drink. Even though the woman on the phone had told me not to stop drinking until I got there. I didn’t understand her. She was the first person ever to tell me NOT to stop. Later realizing that if one goes “cold turkey” they could end up having seizures or die. I felt So low and kind of numb. I felt it was very important that the last day before I went away my kids not see me drunk. It wasn’t easy, I’ll tell you that much. It was already extremely emotional and confusing enough and I wasn’t going to take that away by drinking. It’s definitely not something I could have done daily. I already felt bad that I was at this point and that my children had to witness and experience their own mother going away to rehab, like I had at 9 years old with my own father. How the hell did it get to this point?!? This was never supposed to happen. This was never supposed to be my life.
I kissed the kids Goodbye before they went to school. One of my daughters, who was only 12 at the time didn’t want me to leave. She begged and pleaded. I told her I had to go and that she would understand later on. The car pulled up to take me. I took a deep breath and tried to hold back my tears. I had so much going through my head. I thought about changing my mind, then quickly told myself that wasn’t an option. On my ride there, the man would speak with me periodically to try and make me feel more comfortable. He asked me halfway through the ride if I wanted to stop off somewhere at a store. I confusingly answered, “No… why?”. He replied that sometimes patients want to get their last drink in upon arrival. I thought that was so strange!!! Why was that even an option when you’re going away to get help? Apparently, many people do this on their way to rehab. I just wanted to be done with the drinking. That is what they refer to as being “Sick and tired.” Looking back, I was most likely shaking tremendously and didn’t even notice. But he sure did! He was probably worried I would go into some type of failure before even getting there.
I pulled up. He took out my bags. As I walked through the front doors I felt my whole existence relax. I actually felt myself let go and allow the universe to take over. I gave up the fight. This was it. This needed to be done. It felt as though an evil entity flew out of my body leaving me to myself; As though walking through those doors repelled whatever it was. I’m extremely sensitive and Empathic. I have all of the gifts, so I can feel things that most others cannot. I can see things and hear things that many cannot. Trying to explain my experiences hasn’t been easy, since most of the ones that surround me don’t understand. I’m not religious and I wasn’t possessed. Just putting that out there. I would know if that was the case. Whatever this was that loved to hang around me realized that I was serious and that I wouldn’t allow anything to control me any longer.
My 3rd night was the most life changing experience to date. I was obviously going through PAWS (Post-Acute withdrawal symptoms). Though no one in there told me that was what was happening to me. They would check me daily in the morning around 6:30 am. Making me stick out my tongue and hold out my hands. They were scoring my trembles that I couldn’t even see I was having. I saw her mark me a 10. And I looked at her, “Seriously?!? Why can’t I see that?” Being very observant I am in awe when I don’t notice something myself. But no one in addiction sees or thinks clearly. Early in the day I couldn’t help but to notice this one patient. I normally paid attention to no one as importance rested upon what I would learn and not on others there. He was twitching and his tongue wouldn’t stop sticking out. I instantly recalled my own father doing this as he napped. I had forgotten all about that. Throughout that day where ever I would go, there was this man. A constant but gentle reminder to trigger old memories. It was his triggering that began my own spiritual awakening to go back in time to my childhood that night. My thumbs began to twitch uncontrollably, and my eyes welled with tears because it truly validated that I did indeed have a problem.
I started to experience hallucinations. I had never hallucinated before. I was laying in my bed watching images being drawn on the wall before me. It was a kids drawing. First they created a stick figure girl, then a boy, a sun, a house, a tree… at this point one of my roommates walked in and glanced at me, as I was watching a dog forming along with the images. She asked me what I was doing just staring at the wall. I then asked her if she could see the images. She couldn’t. I then looked at her and closed my eyes asking her if bright sunlight was streaming through the windows, since my eyelids were a gleaming color of gold. This specific roommate didn’t require detox as she had nothing in her system upon arrival. She just laughed and told me no. It happened every time I’d close my eyes. I couldn’t stop the images either.
I am an individual that cannot sleep in silence. I need the sound of a fan running. A fan was not an option there. I wasn’t allowed to bring one, nor did they have one. I had asked about it to a counselor and she told me that many ask for them but all she had were meditation tapes. Reluctantly, I took a recorder and headphone set from her. That night I placed the headphones over my ears. I kept attempting to fall asleep but I could not. I kept seeing images over and over again that would make me snap open my eyes because I didn’t want to see them. By the third loop of the meditation I heard a woman’s voice as though she was standing right next to me say, “I’m so proud of you, RJ.” I snapped open my eyes to see who it was and threw off my headphones. Looking around quickly all I saw was darkness and my 3 roommates sleeping. I closed my eyes again.
The image that appeared next was a white lotus flower, floating ever so slowly down a stream. It calmed me, it made me feel relaxed. I welcomed and “followed” it. I then felt as though I was pulled to my past, my childhood, back inside of that house. I turned around quickly and was greeted with a brick wall. I was stuck! I couldn’t go back! I can’t recall full details of what I witnessed, because apparently it was so traumatizing that after a couple days I blocked it all over again. What I do remember is that I went inside of each of my siblings, my mother and my father. I felt their feelings, I heard their thoughts. Every 10 to 20 minutes I was either silently begging God to let me out, to PLEASE not let me experience anymore, or I had to hold in my gasps, my cries, and my shouts so that I didn’t wake up my roommates. It felt like pure torture. I felt like I was strapped to a chair and forced to watch everything going on. I could see myself as a little girl. I was a bystander that no one else saw in the house. Knowing one of my first gifts ever was to interact with spirits and energies, I do wonder that if time travel does exist if I actually saw my future self as a little girl. But I digress… One of the main images that will forever stick in my mind is my father’s face when he would look at me. He always looked at me in a certain way. He always tried to protect me for his own reasons. I know the bigger picture as to why I was protected now. I used to joke about if I was abused I’d probably be a serial killer. (I have morbid humor and make jokes about my painful experiences.) Well, that was validated when I began learning Birth charting. I have a violent placement. When one has a violent placement and they are abused…. I don’t even have to finish that sentence. Our birth placements are a snapshot of what we are born to experience, but just like when reading Tarot cards for the future, we can choose different paths or circumstance’s can change for us. Close call, I say!!! 😉 This state of being stuck lasted for 7 hours. I eventually had to give up once again and just allow whatever to come.
The next morning I
felt elated!! I was tired as hell, having not slept for 48 hours at that point.
I was running around telling anyone I could about what I experienced the night
prior. I then began feeling as though someone was taking blood from my arms.
You know what it feels like when you have an IV inserted when you have your
blood taken. The way the skin gets tugged at. This went on for several hours. I
told the nurses about this. Then I started seeing snakes with their tongues in
my veins. The Normies would freak out about this, but me understanding
symbolism since I was a child knew that Snakes meant Transformation and that
the tongues were taking the poison from my veins. I was still in detox after
all. I always say that If I could redo that night once a year that would always
“keep it green” for me! It would help everyone honestly! I know that
certain doctors are now testing hallucinogens for quitting smoking and such.
Based upon my experience I fully believe it would work! I’m not certain when it
will become widely available yet. Smokers, Keep your eyes peeled.
My first year sober I stopped reading Tarot. I needed to conserve my energy as much as I could. I went to a few meetings here and there. I liked going to meet the people and hear their stories. But, it used to bother me that every time I would go I would want to drink. I didn’t understand that. Plus, the only option I knew of and was given was to attend these meetings. I know that they have helped SO many people. My own father was heavily involved for 15 years. It was scary making the decision not to go anymore. But it felt like I was being mind fucked. I couldn’t explain that to anyone. Even if I tried to they would just tell me that I HAD to go! Yes, I’m speaking about A.A.. I already am a very spiritual person and what I practice seems almost like A.A.. Only, I practice from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. It is my life. My entire existence. I remember at one meeting I really liked this woman who was telling her story and so I went to speak to her afterwards about possibly becoming my sponsor. She had way too many rules in order for me to be sponsored. Gave me a list of what I needed to do. I have always lived within energy, energy shifts, changes… feeling when I should and shouldn’t do things. There was a huge red flag. My sponsor was and has always been God. Buddha. Allah. Doorknob. It doesn’t matter. This miraculous and amazing energy is all the same thing. I call it, the Universe. Sometimes, I call it God, since most of the people I surround myself with refer to it as such. I became very productive in two things I hated with the passion… Cleaning and cooking. It’s very funny what chooses you to become productive in when you allow it instead of forcing it. It just may be the things you don’t like the most that save your LIFE. You could have shown up at my house at any given time and ate off the floors. I vacuumed about 6 times a day, dusted constantly, if a utensil was placed in the sink it would be cleaned immediately. I barely ever sat down.
One main thing is that you must remain physically productive as much as you were drinking or using. Well, mine was from the time I woke up until I went to bed. To tell you I was exhausted by 8pm is an understatement. I went right to sleep for the first time in my life. You also must redirect your focus. If I was watching a movie or a TV show that had partying or drinking in it and I felt my emotions change, I would instantly turn off the television and go clean. The Great Gatsby… Man, I loved that movie and I sure as hell wanted to join in! Click. Off you go!! I barely listened to music my first year sober. Music was my first DOC (Drug of choice). I knew it would trigger me BIG TIME. It wasn’t easy not listening to music, but my sobriety was of great importance. Any time I felt sad or negative I would purposely seek out humor. Comedians are a life saver. I notice a lot of them also make fun of their pain. Kevin Hart even titled his latest show “Laugh at my pain.” Robin Williams is another big name that chose being a comedian to deal with his own issues. I don’t understand people who live in negativity. Especially those that aren’t in recovery and choose to bitch and complain about a raindrop. Life isn’t that hard. Practice being grateful and mindful instead.
Around May of 2015 I began my Instagram. It was initially titled for my last child. I had forgotten about it and never utilized it to post pictures of him. Every day I would post a card and write about it to help my brain heal. Drinking excessively causes so much damage to your brain and organs. Luckily, My organs were still well functioning. At first, I was very frustrated because I had read intuitively for years and I couldn’t even remember the technical meanings of the cards. I did well, but couldn’t read like I used to. My guides saw me frustrated for 7 months.
I finally asked my cards where my gifts went. I had pulled this exact Page of Wands. I heard “They are right here. We are holding onto them for you.” Prior to getting sober I renounced my gifts wanting to be normal SO BADLY. All I had to do was ask for them back. Do you realize how annoyed I was that they saw me struggling for that long and all I had to do was ask for them back?? I guess in a drunken fury I had specifically stated that I had to ask for them back. Like I would remember that. The strange things that one does when they are drunk. I did even stranger things in a blackout. One month after coming out of rehab as I was going through my drawers I came across a sealed envelope that had “Will” written on it. I opened it to see a letter I had written in a blackout. Listing my prized possessions and who they would go to. I did not remember writing this. The crazy thing is that I obviously knew I was close to death. I was told that if I wouldn’t have gone to rehab when I did I would have died that year. By the time I entered into rehab I was a 110 lb woman consuming about 750L of Captain Morgan’s a day, plus a whole bottle of red wine. If I were to relapse I would automatically go to consume that much now, and since my body is no longer used to it…. Can we say death?
I have no desire to drink. My obsession left me after my 2nd year sober. Many go their whole lives obsessing over their addiction. I’m not special. I just worked my sobriety differently. I just knew what to do. I allowed God and my guides to help me. Plus, that 3rd night… it really did a number on my Soul. I remember by the end of that night is when I heard “the 12th step is when you die sober.” I had done all 12 steps energetically that night. I saw myself staring at my grave. And yet I was alive. I am still alive celebrating 6 years later today (4/23/2013 my sobriety date). And now I have written my story. There are so many things I could have implemented into my story of recovery, but I was not trying to turn this into a book.
Sobriety can be achieved. It’s in the way you work it. It’s in the way of importance that you place upon it. It’s within your own discipline. Within your own Deeper understanding of yourself and what brought you to this place. Remember how it made you feel at your worst ALWAYS and you will never want to go back! Addiction Sucks!! It becomes a disease that you unknowingly choose in the beginning. But NO ONE chooses this entrapment. So many need to educate themselves on addiction and stop being so ignorant. I see this constantly on social media. Every one has an addiction, Some are harder to hide than others. Don’t be so judgmental. You’re all being watched.
Believe in yourself.
DO what you need to do to get yourself out of that black hole. You know damn
well that you don’t want to be stuck there. It’s time to beat the shit out of
your addiction like it is a bully trying to keep you down in life. Because that’s
all it is. Something that doesn’t deserve your time. Don’t allow it to control
you… You control IT.
Blessed Be to You
Thank you for
Reading my Story.
Ps… The Woman who told me she was proud of me but could not be seen is one of my main guides. She was in a few dreams over the past couple of years, giving me information or just being there. She is in charge of my dreams, my past life journeying and was my Aunt in a previous lifetime.